Broken Souls
by bowtied
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS FOR LATER CHAPTERS (DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN BE TRIGGERED BY THESE THINGS) You showed me your scars, expecting me to run off. Little did you know, I was going to show you mine too. we were closer than we thought. - s.b (Previously named "Broken Things Get Fixed")
1. Chapter 1

**trigger warning: involves self-harm and mentions of sexual assault**

**So, there may be some parts of the story where it is in third-person point of view, but I decided to change it and I don't think I got it all. So just ignore those mistakes. **

**And please, if you can be triggered by self-harm or even brief mentions of sexual assault, _please _do not read. This story contains such things. **

**disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN GMW OR IT'S CHARACTERS. **

* * *

_You showed me your scars_

_Expecting me to run off_

_But little did you know_

_That I was going to show you mine too_

_We were closer than we thought._

_s.b_

Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I have cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I lost hope, how many times I've been let down. Nobody knows how many times I've felt like I was about to snap, but for the sake of others, i don't. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad, how truly terrible they are. Nobody knows how many times I have taken that blade against my arm, or thigh. Nobody. Knows. Me.

And they don't. But that doesn't mean they don't know what it's like.

When he found out, it was our junior year. Riley and him had already tried given a relationship a shot, back in 7th grade for like… 3 months. But decided it was best if they remained friends - for them and for our group.

It was a rainy Thanksgiving which, of course, I spending alone. I normally spend it with the Matthews, but they went to Philadelphia and while they insisted I came because I am family, I told them no. I lied and said my mom would be home when, of course, she was acyually going to be working on that very day and would be coming home drunk at around midnight because that's what she does.

Everyday, after I get home at 5 from the Matthews, i make my own dinner and would then spend the rest of my time waiting for my mom to get home and try and distract myself from my own thoughts.

At midnight, my mom would stumble into our apartment drunk off her ass so I carry her to her room so she doesn't pass out on the floor. And on the weekends, when I get back from Riley's to see empty bottles of beer laying around because my mom didn't get the check that she wanted so she drank her problems away - I will proceed to pick them up.

My mom enters at midnight, on the dot. Ignoring my mom's slurred mumbling, I hook an arm around my mother's waist and walk her to her room - already having laid out the ibuprofen and water for the morning after earlier.

After making sure my mother is in bed, I lock the doors and windows - not like there's really much to steal anyways. By the time I get my mom down and lock the doors, it's 1:30. Going into my room, I flop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling as tears slowly begin to form in my eyes. It isn't long before sobs begin to rack my body as my thoughts begin to fill my head. It's 3:24 before I know it. And, despite my best efforts, I reach towards the drawer by my bed and takes out my blade.

Rolling up my sleeve, I place the sharp piece of metal against my arm. Hesitating, I glide it against my wrist. Once, twice, three times, four. Eventually, I just stop counting.

I watch, calmly, as the blood begins to bead up and drip off of my arm, landing on her my white sheets. I reach for my crimson towel when I hear a knock at my window. Shit.

"Maya," _It's Lucas. Fuck._ "Are you up?"

I freeze, not really knowing what to do. My arm was bleeding profusely, and I know that no matter what happens now he was going to find out. My blood was everywhere - all over my sheets, my hands, my towel. There was no hiding this. Not a chance in hell. He is going to find out, and then tell Riley, and the Matthews and my life will never be the same. They will never look at me the same. And it's not like if he does come in, I can just hope that there isn't enough light to see my red eyes, and the mess I had made only moments ago. I can see it in the dimly lit room. And it's not helping that my arm won't stop bleeding.

"Maya?"

With my voice betraying me, I replied, "L-Lucas?"

"Can I come in? I know it's late but I just… I needed to see you."

I don't answer immediately, trying to come up with some idea to get me out of this mess but I failed to do so. I could just not let him in, but he needs to see me, and I have to be there for him. Everything is about to laid out on the table. Maybe he'll just run. Stop talking to me in general. Because who wants to be friends with the girl with scars all over her body? No one. I sighed, "You're not gonna like what you see."

"Maya, you're… you're you. I always like what I see when it comes to you."

...No, he's Riley's. They're going to be the next Cory and Topanga, they're perfect for each other. He'll make her happy. She deserves happiness. More so than me, because she is a good person. Just… ignore it, not like he meant it anyway, "Yeah, right. But I promise you won't like this."

"Well let me be the judge of that. Now can you let me in?"

Pulling down my long sleeves, I and stood up. My legs were weak, and I could barely stand but I managed to make it over to the window to unlock it.

"Have you been crying?" Was the first thing he says. Is it really that obvious? Am I that much of a mess right now?

Stepping away from the window, I crawled onto my bed and pulled my knees to my chest. I might as well start telling the truth from the beginning, "...a little. But forget about me, what's wrong?"

He climbed in and my heart began pounding, and I started to feel the blood soak through my sleeve. He is going to find out. Please, please don't find out. "Maya, tell me what's wrong? Why were you crying?"

He sounds so concerned, I have to bite my lip to stop myself from crying in front of him. "Why are you here? What happened that you needed to take a midnight stroll to one of New York's worst parts of town?"

"I had a nightmare. You were in it. I tried calling, you weren't answering and I freaked out. Now, why are - or were - you crying?"

"Usual stuff, no big deal. Don't worry about me, what's wrong? Why did you need to see me?"

I heard him sigh and the creaks in the floor was a great indicator he was making his way over to my bed, "Maya, what do you mean usual stuff? Are you always up crying at 3:48 in the morning?"

And that's when he sits down. He sits back up immediately, feeling something wet. "What the hell was that? Maya, I just sat down in something, can I turn on the light?"

I don't answer. I don't know how. And because I don't answer, he goes and turns on the light. He can now clearly see my blood soaked sheets, he can now clearly see my hands which are covered in blood. He can see. And now he knows.

He doesn't say anything. Now for a while. I have to fight back the tears when I begin to think he's left but that's when he speaks up, "Maya… let me see your arm."

I don't move. I don't budge. And he sits down again, crawling onto my bed and I can feel his shoulder against my right one. "Maya," He says. And he's so… calm about this. He isn't mad, he isn't angry. Just… cool, and collected. And it's scary.

He sighs and I feel him put his hand gently on my right forearm, peeling it away from my leg. He rolls up the sleeve. He doesn't see any fresh cuts, but he does see scars. And I can feel his calloused thumb going over them. "Can I see the other arm?"

I don't answer again, so he does what he did last time, and gently takes my arm. He can see how the blood soaked through, and he still proceeds to slowly roll up my sleeve; trying his best not to hurt me.

I finally look at him, and for once, he isn't an open book to be. I can't tell what he's thinking. And what he does next surprises me.

He crawls off the bed, takes my arm and tries to get me off the bed but I don't budge. So he picks me up, and carries me to the bathroom where he stands me on my feet and tells me to sit on the toilet. And for once, I listen.

He closes and locks the bathroom door before opening my cabinet and pulling out the first aid kit. He takes a cloth and wets it, before sitting on the edge of the tub and takes my left arm. He starts to carefully wipe up my arm, never taking his eyes green eyes away. Not till he sets the rag down and gets out the gauze tape, he takes it and begins to wrap it around my arm, he then takes the clip and clips in on so it will stay on. His expression never changes, and it's still unreadable.

He puts the first aid kit away, before sitting back down on the tub and looks at me. That's when I finally look away. So he puts his finger under my chin and lifts my head up so I have to look him in the eye. And when I do, I lose it. And he just holds me. He wraps his arms around me, and holds me. I don't know how long we're there like that.

We me made it to the floor sometime during my breakdown, and I begin to think, as I sit in his lap, cuddled up against his chest, why hasn't he left yet.

"I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you, and waiting for everyone to fall apart, for ever everything to hurt so bad you just want to end it all. Mr. Perfect knows exactly how it feels. So I'm not gonna run scared, and I'm not gonna tell anyone. I'm going to help you through it. So can you tell me… what, has you hurting so much, that led you to hurt yourself?"

I wasn't expecting that, oh no… not at all. But there was a question that was asked, and he's gonna demand an answer. "What doesn't? I'm so… broken that I can feel lit. I mean, physically feel it. This is so much more than being sad now. This is affecting my whole body and it hurts. Hurts worse than any emotional pain then anyone can bestow upon me. And the only way to… make it lessen is if cut… but it doesn't even lessen it ya know? It just distracts me, it's like if you scraped your knee and your mom tells you to bite your finger. You distract one pain with another, one that doesn't hurt as much."

"To everyone's emotional hurting, there's something that happened. Did I ever tell you why I moved to New York?" I reply by silently shaking my head. "Well, my dad, he is… he's not the best. He cheated on my mom, and has a temper. He never physically hurt us, but he has said some things that have hurt us on an emotional level - that we ruined his life, he called my mom a slut, and told me I can never do anything right. My mom finally got sick of it and moved."

I wasn't expecting that either - I knew he didn't live with his dad, but I just thought his parents fell out of love. I didn't think something like this… and he shared it with me. The least I can do is tell him the truth about my father. "... My father didn't leave before I was born. He left when I was 6 -2 years before I met Riley. I just told her he left before I was born because I don't like the memories that come with him living with us. He did things… bad things…" My head begins to fill with memories of him touching me; telling him to stop, as I laid on the bed tied to the head boards so I couldn't fight him off. "He raped me. And touched me. And beat my mom senseless. And wanna know what the worst part is? I don't hate him. Even though I know I should. He didn't love me or my mom. He has taken everything away from me and I can't fucking hate him… and instead I hate myself. For many reason, because of what I see when I look in the mirror, for not being able to make my friends as happy as they should be, but also because I can't let go. No matter how hard I fucking try, i can't and it hurts. It hurts. So fucking much. So I cut because not even drawing can take the pain away… And for a little while, I start to feel good. I don't love myself, but I don't hate myself either. I'll talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens; like a switch turns off somewhere and all I am left with is the darkness of my mind. But each time it seems like I sink deeper and deeper and I'm scared… terrified that one day I won't make it back up. I feel like I'm gasping for air, screaming for help but everyone just looks at me with confused faces. Wondering what I am struggling over when they're all doing just fine and it makes me feel like I'm crazy. What the hell is wrong with me?"

He doesn't say anything - just sits there, his arms never tightening or loosening. And then he speaks, re leasing me from his hold, taking my hand in his and looking me dead in the eyes, "I am going to tell you something and I want you to listen. Because I mean it. next time you want to cut, whether that's now, or later, you are going to give me a call. I don't care what time it is, you are going to. And I will come. And instead of hurting your beautiful body, I will draw dead straight lines of kisses along your skin and will shower you in so many that by the time I am done you will forget the pain. Instead of hurting your beautiful body, you will call me and I will come over with all my felt tip pens and draw great big red admiral butterflies onto your wrist and tell you if you hurt yourself you'll kill your butterfly too. Instead of hurting your beautiful body, you will call me and I will come over and draw my name in great big capital letters on each of your arms and say if you cut yourself, you will be cutting me hear out too. Instead of hurting your beautiful body, you will call me and I will come over and draw you in so close in such a tight embrace that your dreadful mind won't be able to think about anything else than the feel of my arms around you. Everyday, from this moment on, I am going to check your arms. And if you have relapsed already, then I am going to walk you home that day, and we are going to go up into your room and your are going to take the blade, hold my arm and cut me as many times as you would yourself. And I will not leave until you do. And if you don't I will. Because harming that body of yours isn't going to solve anything, beautiful."

And he's serious. I know he is. And the only thing I can use to respond to that is, "I could never hurt you like that." And I understand everything. "Why?"

"Because, Maya. No matter how you useless you feel, you're my reason to smile-"

"No. No. Stop it. You-you are supposed to be Riley's. You make her happy. You're the person she is in love with. And her happiness always comes before mine. Always."

"But you see, she is happy. With Farkel. And has been for the past 7 months. Our relationship lasted 3 weeks and ended on mutual agreement. In 7th ever since 7th grade, all I have wanted is your lips on mine. It's been so easy for me to love you that it frightens me. I've never been good at anything. But I've never wanted anything so much as I want to hold you every waking minute. And every night while I sleep, the question has ceased to be, 'How do I love you' and is now, 'Why would I ever stop?' Maya Hart, you listen and you listen good. It's time to stop putting others before yourself. You keep doing that and you'll never be happy. Riley is happy. Farkel is happy. And I'm at my happiest when I'm with you. It's not selfish, it's necessary. I don't care if you don't reciprocate my feelings, that's fine. But I love you. You are the reason I smile. I look forward to seeing you everyday and playing our little game -"

I kiss him. I take my hand, place it behind his neck, and kiss him. And I have never quite felt anything like it before. For a moment, my brain shuts down and I forgot about everything except my lips against his and the way his hands felt on small of my back. The heat between our lips made a moan escape from my lips. I gently caressed his neck, not wanting to pull away but knew I had to before things got carried too far. So I did. "I like you, a lot; have liked you since we first met. And the only thing that has stopped me from going after you is Riley. But you guys split up nearly 5 years ago, and she's been with Farkel for almost a year now. So… let's give, this a shot. I make you happy. And you make me happy. Just… don't make me regret it."

He gave me a chaste peck on my lips, "Never."

"Why did you come here in the first place?"

He looked down, "I uh… I had a nightmare. I tried calling your cell, but you weren't picking up and I started freaking out."

"What was it about?"

"... you died. Ironically, it was from cutting yourself. You had uh, cut too deep and I was the one that found you." I wanted to run. Crawl into the deepest hole I could find, and hide. But I couldn't. Not, not now. "Please, don't make that nightmare become a reality. Please."

"I won't. But we should uh, get back to my room. We can't spend all night in the bathroom."

He nodded, "Well, as much as I love you here, can you get up? I can't go anywhere with you in my lap."

I jumped up, "Oh right. Sorry."

He stood up, and took my hand in his. I shut off the light and we went back to my room. We clean up my room, and just relax on my bed. We don't do anything, no. Just cuddle, I'm on his chest, his arms are wrapped around me and for once… I feel like everything is gonna be okay. There is a long road of recovery for me ahead but with him by my side… I think I'll actually make it to graduation.


	2. Chapter 2

**TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND LOTS OF OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. **

**And, this is going to involve a panic attack? And I'm not sure if I'm going to write it correctly - so if I don't, I'm sorry. **

**But thanks for the reviews, I love them! I will accept any and all imput, and if you have any ideas on what I should do with the story, don't be afraid to tell me. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. ALL RIGHTS GO TO GIRL MEETS WORLD. IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE END GAME.**

* * *

_BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. _

I groaned, that would be my alarm clock yelling at me to wake up so I could see my mom in a non drunken state.

I go to sit up, but a pair of arms are wrapped around me, preventing me to do so. Oh right, Lucas spent the night... oh god, he knows. And now I can't breathe. He knows, what if he is lying? What if he tells the Riley, or the Mr. Matthews, or someone? What if he tells the wrong person and everyone finds out? I can't breathe, I feel like I'm suffocating and I can't stop shaking and I'm crying again - I gotta get out. I can't be in this room any longer.

I pull myself from Lucas's arms a total wreck, I still can't breathe and my heart is going to pound out of my fucking chest. I open my window and sit on the ledge, and try and calm down. My breathing refuses to regulate and I feel like I'm gonna die and is this what a panic attack feels like?

Okay, Maya, just breathe. Just _breathe..._

"Maya, are you okay?"

He's up, he's awake and it's my fault. Can I just go crawl into a hole and just... die?

"Maya?"

"I- I can't breathe. I, uh, think I'm having a panic attack?"

"Okay, okay, come back inside." I hear him getting out of bed, and rustling around.

I turn around to see him looking through my book bag, and as I go to stand up - a wave of nausea washes over me. I nearly fall over, but Lucas turned around just as I was about to hit the floor and stopped it. He led me over to my bed, and sat me down and started rubbing my back. He gave me my sketch book saying, "Draw. Use it as a distraction, don't focus on your breathing, okay?"

I take the pencil from his hand and started to draw - and the more I drew, the more frustrated I got. I kept messing up. But soon I realized, I was calmed down. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, "Uh, thanks..."

_Please don't ask what it was about, please don't ask what it's about. I can't lie to you dammit._

"Maya, what was that about?"

_Shit, _"Uh-uh-uh, w-what was wh-what a-about?"

"Your panic attack?" He said it like it was obvious. Maybe because it was.

"N-no big d-deal. E-everything i-is fi-fine..." Even I wouldn't believe that. I mentally kick myself for being so see through.

"Maya, don't lie to me."

I bit my lip, there is no way out of this one. Again. How come I am always trapped around him? "Y-you know! That's it. Plain and simple. And that's scary! Because what if you tell someone? What if you tell the wrong someone?! Everyone knows, I become the 'attention seeker', I lose Riley as a best friend because her parents make us stop being frie-"

"That would never happen and you know it. They care - no, they _love _you way to much to do that. And I'm not telling anyone, I told you my rules last night - call me if you feel the urge. And if you still do it, that's okay because relapses are bound to happen. I don't expect you to be able to stop right away. But if it comes down to it, and I am left with no other choice - whether it be my help is not enough or you make no attempt to contact me at all, I will tell Mr. Matthews, and Mr. Matthews only. Understand?"

I nod, and it finally dawns on me that he actually cares. I have only felt this a few times before and that was with Riley, and the few moments I forget that I am not actually part of the Matthews's family. And it's... scary. It's so foreign, and it makes me want to run and flea, but I know that no matter how far I run, he would always chase me. And that thought makes my heart soar. So I smile, grab his collar and pull him down onto my lips. The kiss doesn't last long, but it says everything. And I don't care that I missed my mom in a sober state (she is long gone by now). All I care about is him, with his lips against mine, hands in hair.

* * *

After we pull apart, I kick him out of my room so I can get changed - grabbing a solid blue long sleeve shirt, black jean vest, and white ripped skinny jeans. Throwing that on, I grab my socks and bookbag and open the door to find him making us bowls of cereal.

"Thanks, cowboy," I walk in, a smirk on my face, trying to act like nothing happened. Throwing on my tough girl act, I go back to teasing Lucas with the never ending country nicknames. We have a lot to talk about today, so the least I can do is keep it light and airy.

"My pleasure, ma'am. I would have made us actual food but time is of the essence."

We eat in silence, somehow our hands finding each others and interlocking. He breaks the silence, "So, what are we? Are we a thing, or...? Cause we both deserve to know if we're off the market."

I look at him, and smile. "As long as Riley, is okay with it. We're... dating."

His face lights up like a child on Christmas morning as he leans over to kiss me. Hopefully Riley is okay with us as a thing, because I don't think I want _us_ to stop.

* * *

We enter our school, my arm wrapping around his lower back and his arm slung around my shoulders. I hear the murmurs of the students around us:

_Are they finally a thing?  
Took them long enough.  
Finally, you owe me $20 bucks, Jake.__  
They're gonna go the distance._

And frankly, I couldn't be happier. That's when Riley appears in our vision, Farkle right beside her, hand holding. "Are you guys dating?"

Lucas looks at me expectantly, of course I have to answer. She's my best friend not his, and we both know whatever future we have together is riding on whatever Riley says next. I pull Lucas closer and nod, "Yeah. But only if-"

"EEEEEEEEHHHHHH! FINALLY!" Riley's girlish squeals fill the hallway. "I have been rooting for you two for _soooooo _long! Yay, Lucaya!"

"Lucaya?" Lucas and I questioned simultaneously.

"Your ship name. She's had that figured out of a while." Farkle explained.

Before I could say anything else, Riley grabbed my wrist and started pulling me away, demanding details on how it all happened. Well shit. We didn't think of that one.

* * *

**So, I don't really like the way this turned out but eh, oh well. **

**I know this didn't really deal with the subject as much. But I felt like I had to get we had to get their friend's reactions about their relationship in it, because Maya always will put Riley first. So of course, the only way "Lucaya" will happen is if they have her blessing. And of course, when she finds out, being the best friend, she is gonna want details. Well, they can't quite tell her that he found her cutting and after a deep talk decided to give them a shot now can they? **

**Hope you guys enjoyed, and please tell me what you think, what I can change, and any ideas you think I could throw in there or ways I could make this better. **


	3. Chapter 3

**TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND LOTS OF OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. **

**I love you guys, your reviews are amazing. Thank you so much. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. ALL RIGHTS GO TO GIRL MEETS WORLD. IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE END GAME.**

* * *

She dragged me into the bathroom. What am I supposed to do? I can't exactly tell her the truth, she'll flip! And then tell her parents and who knows what the hell will happen after that and I don't want to find out. I'll call Lucas, make up some story or another - brief, short so we can work out actual details later.

"So... what happened?!" She squealed, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me back and forth.

"Can I actually use the bathroom first? Cause I kind of have to take a piss,"

"You aren't lady like at all, are you?"

I smile and shake my head before walking into one of the stalls. I pull out my phone, send Lucas a quick text telling him I was gonna call and not to say anything. Calling him, I walk out of the stall and Riley wastes no time in asking what happened (not even questioning why she couldn't hear my pee because you can hear that and it's actually quite awkward in my opinion even though you hear everyone's).

"He came over, we hung out, we kissed. Simple." Short, simple - but of course, it's not enough to satisfy 'Smiley Riley'.

"But... like, this came out of nowhere! Well, not really - we all knew you'd end up together eventually. What happened while you hung out?"

_Think, Maya, think,_ I thought to myself. "He helped me study French, we ordered take-out, and watched a movie."

"But..."

"Riley, we're not a romantic novel. We didn't have some super dramatic revelation. It kind of just happened."

"But _how_?" She is so damn insistent. But I already knew this - doesn't make it any less annoying though.

"He was helping me with the dishes, we were talking about comics. When we finished, we both reached for the faucet and our hands touched -"

"AWWWWWEEE!" My best friend gushed, and I roll my eyes. She was such a girl! "I am sooooooo happy for you guys, I've been trying to figure out if you like him or not for the longest time!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! I was leaving so many hints!"

"I didn't see them. And apparently neither did Lucas."

"I already knew he like you though, I've known for 3 years. The messages wasn't for you it was for-"

"Maya Hart! So, I hear you're dating Lucas Friar. You're stupid." Riley and I direct our gazes to the entrance of the bathroom to find none other than Missy Bradford... great.

"Excuse me?" What the hell? What is her problem?

"You actually think Lucas is dating you because he likes you? Wow, you really are stupid. And here I thought it was just an act. Well let me break it to you, he's pity dating you. He feels sorry for you because your mama is street hooker and your dad didn't love you enough to stay. Sorry! And, I might as well tell you now, nobody loves you. You are unlovable. Farkle doesn't love you. Lucas does not love you. Your mom doesn't love you. Riley doesn't love-" _SLAP!_

Oh shit, Riley just slapped Missy. "Shut up! You have no idea what you are even talking about. Her mom is not a hooker - she is a waitress who is too busy working to ever be home to spend time with her daughter. And her dad didn't leave because he didn't love her, he left because he was too much of a coward to be able to take care of Maya when he was just getting out of college. And have you seen the way Lucas looks at her? She lights up his whole world. Every time she's around, his eyes light up and his smile widens. He isn't a guy trying to uphold his reputation of Mr. Perfect, he's a guy trying to make Maya happy. You're just jealous that he hates you, and if you think this is going to make him like you - you're dead wrong. He has too much self-respect to go for a girl who enjoys putting people down. And as for saying Maya's unlovable, you have no idea how _wrong _you are. She is a best friend to Farkle - maybe even sister, she is a spitfire for Lucas, and my sister. She is like Farkle's overprotecting big sister and her very presence brightens up Lucas's entire day. When my little brother is asked how many siblings he has, he always replies with 2 sisters because he loves her. My dad and my mom got her a cellphone and pay for her bill every month, restock her art supplies when she's running low, feed her on a daily basis and when think she isn't coming over they have me call her up and invite her over because they know she doesn't have much food at her house. They pay for her school supplies and look after her as if she were her own because to them, she is. They take her on every family vacation because she is part of our family and there is nothing you could ever do to change love her. So please, do not talk acting like you know everything because you know nothing about her. And don't ever say I don't love her because my world would not be complete without her, I look forward to seeing her everyday, she is my sister. Not my best friend. I will try my hardest to make her happy, because that's what she deserves. So do not say that I do not love her because I do. You can leave now."

Missy, still holding her cheek, turned to me and said before walking out, "This is not over."

When she was gone, I grabbed Riley and pulled her into a hug, "Why, _why _would you do that!?"

"What kind of sister would I be if I let her talk to you like that?" She replied before pulling back. I can feel her shaking underneath my hands, she was trembling. She smiled before continuing, "Don't listen to anything that she said. I know some of the things really hit home, but none of them are true. _You are loved. _By me, by dad and Auggie and mom, by Farkle and definitely by Lucas. He isn't pity dating you, Lucas is too much a gentleman to do that to a girl. I meant what I said to Missy. Everything I said was true. Do not listen to some bitch who thrives on making people feel worthless."

I'm crying now, but I don't care. I pull her into another hug and whisper in her ear, "Thank you."

* * *

**I'm sorry there weren't many Lucaya moments but I felt like this needed to happen. This isn't the last of Missy. Not by a long shot, and I didn't forget about the phone. That was needed to be forgotten about by Maya for next chapter. And also, remember Riley has no idea of what really happens with her mom or what happened with her dad. **

**And a shout out to ButterFrenzy for the idea with Missy - sort of, about bringing her in. **

**Reviews are appreciated, any ideas will be taken into account. **


	4. Chapter 4

**TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND LOTS OF OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. **

**I love you guys, your reviews are amazing. Thank you so much. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. ALL RIGHTS GO TO GIRL MEETS WORLD. IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE END GAME.**

* * *

We were in the bathroom not long after that, we heard yelling and wanted to see what was going on. Well, I did. Riley wanted to stay in the bathroom where it was safe.

"...MADE OF LIES! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU EVEN KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HER. HOW ANY OF HER FRIENDS FEEL ABOUT HER BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOTHING!" The screaming we heard from inside the bathroom was Lucas.

When we got out of the corridor of the bathroom, the sight in front of us was baffeling. Lucas was red in the face, all his shouting was directed at Missy and Farkel was in the middle in case Lucas got stupid and tried anything. While Lucas was a gentleman, he had anger issue - sort of. Normally he's calm and collected, but if you get him pissed there is no telling what could happen.

"Lucas!" I shout, but he was too pissed to hear anything. How did he even... oh shit! My phone was on the entire time.

"Maya, you have to do something. If he keeps this up, he's going to get into big trouble." Riley said, as she pulled on my sleeve to get my attention. She's right too. He could get into a lot of trouble for this and it will be all my fault.

"Lucas, stop!" I shouted as I got closer. He kept yelling profanities, so I stepped in front of him. He stopped almost immediately, but he didn't look at me. He seemed to be too busy glaring holes into Missy's forehead. "Lucas, look at me. I'm fine. She didn't do any emotional damage because I know everything she said was as lie. I know you guys love me, there is nothing that bitch can say to change that. Do you understand?"

"But what she said-"

"Was lies. Lies that she told in an effort to make me question how much you care for me. Lucas, look at me." He finally tore his eyes away from Missy and looked at mine. His eyes said he was angry, but he was also scared - scared that what she said will make me leave. His reaction would make me leave. I grab both sides of his face and bring them towards mine and they meet, but only for a second. We have an audience and PDA makes everyone feels awkward.

Even though the kiss wasn't long, he knew what I was trying to say - I'm not going anywhere, not until he inevitably pushes me away. I look into his eyes, and every doubt he had was washed away.

The bell rang though. Everyone began to clear out and while I know this is all going to have bad repercussions (the slap and Lucas's outburst), right now that's alright though. We'll deal with that when it comes. Right now though, it's time to go to first period gym which this year, I only have with Farkel.

Hiding my self-harm is going to be hard, the past couple of years I've had it all by myself so it was easier to hide from them. But the gym is really hot and no doubt Farkel is going to want to do some activities. He's going to know something is up eventually - because, while the kid is _weird,_ he's also brilliant. This year is going to be fun.

* * *

**Sorry, I know I haven't updated in a while and this is really short. I just couldn't come up with anything good. I mean - I had an idea but I didn't know how to word it. **

**But I hoped you enjoyed this, I don't really like how it turned out but... whatever. Leave reviews, don't be afraid I don't bite... most of the time. **


	5. Chapter 5

**TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND LOTS OF OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. **

**Thanks Alyssa on correcting me on my spelling - to be honest his name is kind of unique and I was too lazy to look up how it's actually spelled so. **

**But anyways, I'm back. With another chapter. This one is actually really dark. At least compared to my previous two. So as stated above, if you are triggered by any of the things mentioned above (which I might add to in later chapters), DO NOT READ. Hope you all enjoy.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. ALL RIGHTS GO TO GIRL MEETS WORLD. IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE END GAME.**

* * *

Farkle and I arrive a little late to gym. Luckily, the gym teachers don't notice because they're too busy breaking up the fight. Plus, it's a new 9-weeks, which means we're practically going to be doing nothing for the first week or so. Just enough time for me to figure out how to figure out what to do.

Farkle is a fucking boy genius, the Jimmy Neutron of 2014. There is no doubt about that. Unfortunately? That doesn't help me. He's perceptive. Honestly I'm surprised he hasn't already found out. I think the only reason that is, is because he isn't aware of the signs. How could he? He doesn't realize I do, he hasn't known anyone else who's done it. Plus, he himself has never really struggled with it. The signs are usually gradual, it doesn't just happen over night. They hardly notice a thing.

But now that I have gym with him, I have no idea how the hell I'm going to hide it. The gym is an oven, I mean I'm sweating right now and we're literally just sitting in the bleachers. We're not required to do anything until next week, and that's when I'm gonna have to start dressing, and it is required of us to where a plain white t-shirt and some type of gym pants. And I can't really wear those little bands people who play tennis are usually wearing because I do it on my upper arm, not my wrist.

I'd just sit out, but then Farkle is still going to notice something because I love gym, I love playing sports almost as much as I love art. And, if I just do that, my grades would suffer and I don't want to let Mr. Matthews down. I've been okay with my grades this year and we're in the 3rd nine weeks, never getting anything lower than a 72, but never getting an higher than a 80 either (which really is an improvement, and unless you count art which is always an A).

I look over at Farkle to find him eyeing my arms. Yeah. There is no way in hell that I'm gonna be able to hide this from him. He's already looking at me like I've grown 2 heads and that's just for keeping my sleeves rolled down. Shit. Shit. Great.

"Aren't you hot?"

_Just, just play it cool Maya. Lie. This isn't Lucas. It will be easier to lie to him_. "No, why do you ask?"

"Well, it's practically 80 degree's in here and I can see the sweat on your forehead."

_Fuck. Fuck. Think Maya, fucking think._ "I feel fine-"

"Come to think of it, you're always wearing long sleeves to school. And you never let anyone come over anymore. Maya, what's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm fine. The school is just cold, and my house isn't on the greatest part of town."

"The gym is cold? Maya, you're growing pit-stains. Just roll up your sleeves, what the big deal?"

"It's not a big deal, I just don't want to!"

_Great, great we're getting angry, or frustrated, or something because we're arguing. I knew I wouldn't be able to hide it. I knew it, I knew it._

"Maya, you're practically sweating buckets. Why do you refuse to roll up your sleeves?"

"God dammit, Farkle. I told you, I don't want to! I'm fine."

"Roll up your sleeves. You are always wearing them. Something is going on."

"Nothing is going on! I like long sleeves, why is that so weird?"

"Because that's all you ever wear."

"All you ever wear is turtle necks."

"We've already established that's weird, Maya. But I still wear short sleeves every once in a while. Maya, roll up your sleeves. I already have a suspicion, please do not let me be right."

"Whatever it is, you're not right. Nothing is going on. Everything is okay."

"Then roll up your sleeves."

"No."

"Maya-"

"I said no! Now leave me the fuck alone!" I get up from our seats in the bleachers and practically bolt out of the gymnasium, ignoring the gym teachers shouts telling me to stop. Having nowhere else to turn to, I go for a janitor's closet which is luckily vacant on my part.

I lock the door, and slide down to the floor. Bringing my knees to my chest, my vision starts to blur. Everyone is going to find out. Everyone is going to figure out just how weak Maya Hart really is. I'm not strong, never fucking was. I'm about as weak as they come. First Lucas, now Farkle - well, he will soon.

Why can't something stay right for once in my fucking life? I start to hit my thighs out of frustration. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Maya, where are you? Look, I'm just worried." It's Farkle. He followed. Why would he follow? The teachers were yelling at me already for walking out, why would he chase after me at the risk of getting detention?

_Because he cares, _I hear a small voice tell me. I want to tell it to shut the hell up, but it's right. He does. So does Riley, and Lucas, and they might get suspended. All because of my worthless self.

_You're just getting everyone in trouble today aren't you? Why do you let people get so close when you know all you're going to do, is hurt them? All you ever do is get people hurt. You cause destruction in your wake. You don't deserve them. Kick them out. Kick them out before you rot them, take their pure souls and turn them into something rotten._

**_SHUT UP!_** I tell myself, slamming my fist against my thigh. I can no longer hold back the tears as they start to fall.

_But you know it's true. You are a worthless piece of shit. You are nothing special. You do nothing right. You don't breathe right. You don't eat right. You don't feel right. You don't do anything right. Look at you! You're a wreck. You'll always be a wreck. What Missy said about them not loving may not be right, but you're going to destroy them from the inside out. Just imagine if your mother saw you like this! You'd embarrass her. You already know she doesn't want you, you found it one the suicide notes under her bed one day. Right beside that gun. And your dad! He'd spit on you. And then hit you. And kick you for being so weak. And then touch you, as your punishment. Because the verbal abuse wasn't enough to destroy you from the inside out._

With every whack against my thigh, the more my thoughts begun to silence. I don't even notice the bell ring for 2nd period. It's English, I have it with Riley.

_Riley. Sweet, sweet Riley. So pretty, and beautiful, and interesting, and smart. Everything you're not. She has no idea. And if she did, would she keep you around? Or run away. Because does she really want to be friends with someone like you? She'll see you for who you really are. And she'll go running scared. She says she loves you, but that's because she doesn't know. She'll run and leave and abandon you like everyone else in your useless life. Because you're not worth being saved. And she'll realize it soon enough. Or worse, the every thought of you destroying yourself begins to destroy her. She'll start to hate herself for being such a terrible friend. And you know how when you start to hate one thing about yourself, it will turn in into your entire being. And it will be all your fault. But you already know this. And yet you continue to hurt yourself anyways. And the sad truth is, it isn't because you don't love her - it's because you're too weak to stop. Not even for the sake of your best friend. You're a failure._

My thoughts got louder, and louder, and suddenly hitting myself wasn't enough to block out all the terrible thoughts. I feel like I'm drowning, but I always feel like that don't I? I feel like I'm drowning, and everything hurts, and I'm just so sad, and just... tired! Tired of being pretending to be okay, tired of faking happiness, tired of putting on a fake smile, tired of the pain, tired of fighting. And, in that moment, I would give anything just so I would stop and I start to wonder if I'm suicidal. I'm not though. Because I'm going to go home and swallow pills, or take that gun under my moms bed and pull the trigger. But if I'm being honest? When I go home today, and I saw a car coming towards me? I wouldn't move. Maybe then the pain would finally stop.

* * *

**So, yeah. A lot darker this time around. But that honestly is the point of the story. **

**And please, every single one of you, read my first authors note. I'm not writing these stories to put ideas in your head. Self-harm solves nothing. I promise you, because the pain doesn't stay away forever. It becomes as addicting as drugs or cigarettes. Please, don't start. Don't do it ever. If you are thinking about it, please feel free to message me even. I'll try and help you the best I can. **

**But I'm probably going to add suicide as a trigger warning now, I wasn't even planning on it but it the story seems to have taken it that way. **

**But yeah, tell me what you think. Any ideas? Please share. Love you guys.**


	6. Chapter 6

**TRIGGER WARNING - MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND SEXUAL ASSULT AND THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE LOTS OF OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME READERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. **

**Sorry, I disappeared for a few days. I'm going through a hard time right now and I'm kind of dealing with that. But I'm back! With a new chapter. Merry Christmas by the way, I hope your holiday is filled with lots of love and cheer.**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. ALL RIGHTS GO TO GIRL MEETS WORLD. IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE END GAME.**

* * *

I don't know how long I was in the closet, but it wasn't until I felt the vibration of the phone Mr. Matthews gave in my pocket that I realize it was lunch time which I have with Riley, Farkle and Lucas. So if I don't show they're going to come looking, if they aren't already.

I pull out my cell phone to find 7 missed calls from Riley, 14 unanswered texts from Farkle plus 3 missed calls, and from Lucas 17 missed calls and 23 unanswered texts with more on the way.

_Where r u?!_

_Maya are you okay? I didn't mean to upset you._

_Does this have to do with Missy? _

_Babe where are you?_

_We're worried_

_come on just tell us where you are_

_ok if u don't answer this im getting my dad_

And 3 seconds later, my phone started to ring and a picture of me and Riley on Christmas came up. "Hello?" I answered, not really having any other choice given the fact she threatened to call her dad.

"WHERE ARE YOU!"

In the background, I hear the voices of Farkle and Lucas mumbling about how I picked up and demanding to see the phone.

"Uh... somewhere?" I mumbled, I don't want to tell them where because then I would have to face the fiasco that happened in gym and no thank you?

"_Riley, let me see the phone. _Maya?" It's Farkle. He is the last person on this earth I want to talk to right now.

"Farkle.."

"Look, I'm sorry about what happened in gym. I just... I think, you're depressed."

"I'm not-"

"Maya, listen to me for once, okay? I feel like you're depressed, because I researched the symptoms and how to tell if a friend suffers from them. And I heard about how people with depression sometimes self harm and I really don't want you to be doing that. Please tell me you aren't." My heart was pounding out my chest, this can't be happening right now - it can't. "Maya? Are you there?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm here. No, I'm not hurting myself. And I'm not depressed."

"Maya-"

"I'm not okay? I'm just sad... a lot. But I'm happy too, okay?"

"Maya, those who suffer with depression aren't always sad. They are happy too. It's a common stereotype often made, but it isn't true. In fact, because of it, over 80% of the people who are actually depressed don't receive treatment for it. You can be happy but still suffer-"

"Farkle, stop. It's sweet and all that you're so concerned, but I'm not depressed. And even if I was, it's not like anything could be done about it. If I were to tell my mom, she'd laugh in my face and tell me to suck it up."

That's when I hear Riley chip in, where's Lucas though? He hasn't said anything. "That's why it wasn't going to be your mom we would tell..."

"Then who would we- no. Riley, no, we are not bringing your parents into this."

"But Maya-"

"No! I am not their child, it is not their job to make sure I am well taken care of. And therapy is expensive, I am _not _going to allow them to pay for that. I'd feel way to guilty. That and the medication I'd have to receive - no. Okay? Just no."

"...Well, you don't really have a choice."

That's when I feel the door jiggling behind me. "Maya? Are you in there?"

And that's where Lucas is. Turns out he was looking for me, but wait what does she mean - "Riley, what the hell do you mean I don't have a choice?"


	7. AUTHORS NOTE

**Do to some private messaging I have received, I thought I would make this known in a chapter again. **

**THIS IS NOT ME PROMOTING ANYTHING I WRITE. **

**I said this in my first author's note, and I'll do it again because apparently it won't seem to settle in some people's thick skulls. **

**DO NOT CONSIDER DOING ANYTHING I WRITE. **

**Self-harm, as I have said a thousand times, does not solve anything and is just as bad and addicting as drugs and just as hard to stop as smoking. When you cut, or hurt yourself in general (cutting isn't the ONLY form of self-harm), you release endorphins (endogenous morphine) which is addictive. If you go a long time without hurting yourself, you can suffer from with drawl symptoms. On top of this, people gain a psychological dependency on it which is just as much the same of being psychologically dependent on a drug - it's still an addiction, even if it's not your body that's addicted.**

**I have told my readers time and time again that do not take in consideration as an idea to relieve yourself of the pain you're going through. It won't solve anything, in fact in the long run it will only cause more problems. Plus, do you really feel like having to hide your scars all the time? Or cleaning up the mess it will leave afterwards? Or the morning after? When you're in the moment, the pain is kind of the point. It serves a purpose, makes you feel better and it gives you a release or something. But the next morning you try to get out of bed, and your body burns. You shower, or bathe, and the cuts hurt like hell, they sear, they scream. You go about your daily life, but little things remind you that your body is pissed. You try and work out and the cuts say nonono. The pain isn't as soothing anymore. It's not doing anything. It's just making you miserable. It's reminding yourself that you screwed up, that something is wrong with you. Cuts reopen too. They make a whole new mess. They scab and become absolutely disgusting. The pain you're causing isn't just in the moment, it's the pain of the whole time it takes your harm to heal.**

**Plus, people will find out. And when they do, it'll bother them just as much. It'll hurt them and it doesn't make sense that it hurts other people when we hurt ourselves, and it's not fair, but we can't deny it either. We may want to tell ourselves that the pain is between us and the razor blade (or lighter, or even our own fists (what Maya was doing in the closet - hitting herself repeatedly, does count as self-harm)) but that is simply false: it impacts other people and it makes the people who care about us hurt. If you can't prioritize your own health and safety, prioritize the people in your life you're hurting by doing it.**

**Self harm of any kind does not solve your issues and it will just cause more in the long run. Do not start. Ever. And honestly, I'd just feel awful if by writing this is putting ideas in people's heads because that was not my fucking intention. **

**DO NOT START.**

**And as for those who have already started, you know what I mean when I say this. It will eventually destroy your life, or the ones around you. You will be seeing how self-harm screws up Maya and her relationships with everyone. **

**if any of you guys are hurting and ever need to talk, do not be afraid to pm me on here. I will try to help you as best as I can.  
Just don't insult me and accuse me of encouraging this bullshit when I've clearly stated time and time again to _NOT _do it. And if you do, I will not hesitate to tell you guys to kindly fuck off, I honestly don't need your bullshit. Thanks.**

**But yes, sorry, not a new chapter, I just thought I would address this because honestly it's been pissing me off. **


	8. Chapter 7

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, SEXUAL ASSAULT/RAPE, AND SUICIDE PLUS OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING TO SOME READERS {read at your own risk}**

**So, this is a new chapter and not an authors note.  
Sorry, I know it took me forever to update, but as stated before, I'm dealing with things at the moment? Plus, holidays and shit. I was trying to post a new years lucaya one shot, but I feel like it's too late to post that now so fuck that! But I hope your holidays were fun and joyful and not full of fighting and drunk family members telling you your worthless.  
**

**DISCLAMIER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING - IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE CANON **

* * *

"Riley, what the hell do you mean I don't have a choice?" I demanded again, ignoring the jiggling of the door behind me. "Because Riley, I swear to fucking God, if you said something to your parents -"

"I've been worried! We all have been!"

"_Maya, open up!_"

"Lucas hold on a minute! So you tell your parents that I have depression?"

"No, I tell them that I think you do!"

"Without asking me first?"

"Because I knew you'd act like this!"

"I'm acting like this because you went behind my back and disclosed information that we don't even know is true, to parents who aren't my own!"

"Maya, I'm sorry, but I didn't know what else to do! I tried asking you if everything was alright and getting you to open up to me, but you just pushed me even farther away! And then when Farkle told me what happened to day in gym, I felt like I didn't have a choice!"

I hung up. I honestly didn't know what else to do, my so called best friend told her parents that I'm depressed. I'm not! So what if I'm sad more often then I'm happy? I'm still happy. I can't be depressed.

"_Maya, are you okay? Can you let me in now?_"

Before I could reply, the bell rang. I can't skip school all day and if I don't go to class, I know Lucas won't either and he is not going to get a cut from me. So I stand up, unlock the door, and opened it. Lucas nearly fell on me because apparently he was leaning on the door.

He regained his balance before looking at me, no doubt I looked like a mess. He's looking at me, and I look at him and I just start crying. Dear God, I cry too much.

Lucas steps closer and wraps his arms around me before we go back into the closet. He pulls one arm away and uses it to lock the door, and we sit there for minutes until the bell rings and then I realize I fucked up again because now either we're going to be late or he's going to get a cut because this is 6th period and we have Mr. Matthews as our teacher.

I pull away and wipe my tears with my sleeve and look at him, "Come on, we have to go."

"Maya, look at you! You're not in the-"

"Lucas I don't give a fuck at this point. You are not getting a cut slip from me because of me."

"But you are not okay right now! If we go to class you're still gonna be a mess, and I'm gonna be too focused on how to make my girlfriend feel better to retain any information."

"Lucas, I'm very talented at faking a healthy mental state. You have no idea how many times I have and nobody was any wiser to notice I was falling apart. This time won't be any different. Now lets go."

I stand up, but Lucas remains seated. "Lucas, come on. We're not argu-"

"You're right we're not." He stands up and takes my hand in his, "Because we are going to class. And I'm coming home with you after school and we are going to talk after school because we are going home together."

"Lucas, no-"

"Maya, no arguments on this. You do not get a say. I do not trust you to be in a home all by yourself after the mental breakdown you obviously had sometime to say."

I bite my lip and avert my gaze to the floor, but I knew that no matter how much that stung, he wasn't wrong. I release one as I curtly nod and unlock the door.

We head straight to class, but just as we're about to open the door, Lucas stops us. "Do you want to clean up? I mean, you still look beautiful, but it's obvious you've been crying."

I internally cringed, I don't know how he can call me beautiful when every time I look in the mirror I want to throw up. So I just ignore his comment, "I uh.. no. We're already here, so. If anyone asks, I'll handle it, alright?" He looked hesitant, but nodded anyway. "But there should probably a couple minute interval. You know as soon as we walk in there what they're gonna think."

He sighed, "Yeah, you're right. Alright. You go first. I don't trust you not to skip as soon as I go into the classroom."

I rolled my eyes, "You're being over dramatic, but whatever."

He leaned down and kissed my cheek, and stepped aside before I opened the door. The entire class looked towards the enterance of the classroom and my eyes immediately trailed to the fourth row, middle seat where Riley was seated, with Farkle behind her.

"M-Maya, you showed." I snapped my gaze from my two friends to Mr. Matthews and honestly the way he looked at me made me want to go crawl into a whole and die. _But, like always Maya, fake everything. Your confidence, your laid back attitude, your happiness. Everything._

"Yup! Sorry I'm late Mr. Matthews, something... uh, happened." I gulped and nearly rolled my eyes at how pathetic that sounded.

"Uh, just take a seat. You can serve detention sometime this week."

I bit my lip and nodded before taking my seat next to Riley and started drawing. She didn't even look at me. Not that I could blame her, because I am still pissed the fuck off. Farkle, was another story. All he did was try and get my attention but honestly I was too embarrassed to even look at him. As for Mr. Matthews, I knew he was looking at me with these puppy dog eyes wishing I would open up to someone. But people can't be trusted. They'll only abuse that trust in the end.

He had only just begun talking about whatever the hell we're learning about this week when Lucas walked in. I don't even bother looking up to see if I'm correct, because the first thing that was said when that door was opened was, "I'm sorry I'm late Mr. Matthews!"

"Just sit down, Friar. Don't you people know how to show up to class on time!"

I speak up, having to keep up the charade that Maya Hart was okay, "Woah, Bucky McBoing Boing late to class? Never thought I'd see the day."

His response is to look at me like I've grown two heads, at least until he catches onto my plan. "Something important had to be done, Ma'am. At least I have a reason other than just not wanting to show up on time."

I shrug, "That's what you think."

He takes his seat behind me, and 3 minutes into Mr. Matthews talking, he starts to play with my hair. I turn around to ask him what he is doing, but he's got this smile on his face that says he's content and happy that I honestly forget that my life is a wreck and I'm a worthless piece of trash. He's always been able to do that, to distract me from my problems, to make me genuinely happy, to make me calm down. And honestly? That scares me. That he is able to calm my nerves in a matter of seconds by the simplest action. That's gonna screw me over in the end, but I can't bring myself to care.


	9. Chapter 8

**TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, SEXUAL ASSAULT/RAPE, AND SUICIDE PLUS OTHER STUFF THAT CAN BE TRIGGERING TO SOME READERS {read at your own risk}**

**Hey guys, here's another chapter. And if you actually read the author's notes, go check out Writinhcomesfromthesoul's story "I believe we'll be okay". **

**DISCLAMIER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING - IF I DID, LUCAYA WOULD BE CANON **

* * *

The class flew past, and before I knew it the bell rang. We start packing up our stuff, when I barely hear Riley says, "Imsorry!" before she runs out the door. Farkle looks at me, opens his mouth, closes it, and opens it again before running out of the classroom.

Before I can even do anything, Mr. Matthews asks, "Uh, Maya, can I... speak with you?"

I look at Lucas and bite my lip, I know what this is about. But I can't avoid it forever, with a sigh, I say, "Yeah, sure. Go on to class Cowboy, I'll see you in a bit."

He looks hesitant, like he probably shouldn't go on ahead (and he probably shouldn't), but he leans down and places a chaste peck on my cheek before walking out of the class.

I close my eyes before turning around and facing Mr. Matthews. What am I going to tell him? He's going to ask questions, ones that I will not want to answer, but I know that I do need help. I'll wing it, fuck everything up, and cry to Lucas about it later.

"Sit down Maya." I figure the best way to get through this is if I cooperate, so I nod and take a seat closer to his desk. "Riley, brought something to my attention-"

"She and Farkle think I'm depressed, right?"

He looks taken aback. "Uh, yeah. And I'm worried you are too. Topanga and I have discussed this already, even before Riley came to us about it today, and we want to take you to a see a therapist - just to see."

"My mom can't afford that." I say, not missing a beat. I know they weren't gonna ask her, they know how small our income is.

"We weren't gonna ask your mom to pay for that."

"But you aren't going to either. I'm not... I'm not you daughter, I am not your responsibility, it is not your job to make sure I'm taken care of." And that's the painful truth. No matter how much I'd rather be living with them instead of my mother, no matter how much I'd rather be a Matthews then a Hart, in the end? I'm not. And that's how it will always be. "I'm already a burden on you guys as it is, how can I ask you to pay for therapy sessions? And if I am diagnosed with depression, I'll have to take medicine and we can't afford that either."

"You aren't a burden Maya, and you're not asking us to pay for these sessions. We're offering, because we care, and we know your mother can't afford it. And if you need medicine, than you'll get it. We will cover you. We have enough, Maya. Topanga is a... well, kick ass lawyer, and I'm a teacher, together we can afford it and still have money to put food on the table, and a roof over our heads. We are doing this, because we want you to be okay. And you don't have to be our daughter for us to want you to be taken care of, or to be blood related for us to consider you our daughter - and we do."

He's lying, he has to be. My mom doesn't even care about me that much, why would they? It doesn't make sense, he has to be lying. So I just mumble right before speaking loud enough for him to hear, "I'm always okay, Mr. Matthews."

"That's a lie, Maya. No one is always okay."

That was the first time anyone has ever said that to me. No one has ever called me out on saying that before and before I know it I'm crying... again, for like the 7th time that day.

He reaches out and pulls me into a hug, and I hug back, despite my inner voice telling me not to. But I have to pull my act together, I can't be like this all day.

I pull away and wipe my tears with my sleeve, and he asks me, "So, you're gonna go?"

"Not like I have a choice right? But can we, please not tell my mom?"

"She's your mom honey, she kind of-"

"A mom doesn't leave her child unattended for days on end only to come back drunk out of her mind, okay? A mom doesn't get drunk until she doesn't even remember who I am, just because she didn't get the paycheck she wanted. A mom doesn't pass out on the couch and leaves empty beer bottles around only for me to have clean up later. A mom doesn't tell her daughter that she's the one who drove her father away in a suicide note under her bed. She's Katy. A woman, who tries her best to take care of me, but in the end just hurts me more. I understand that she cares, but maybe it'd be best if she didn't... if I didn't." And it's out of my mouth before I can even tell myself to shut the hell up.

Fuck, fuck fuck. Why did I say that? No one was supposed to know that. God, why the fuck am I so stupid! Can't even keep my big mouth shut from revealing some of my biggest secrets.

He's quiet, for I don't know how long and eventually I just can't take it so I stand up and run out the room to my last period class - art, something I have with Lucas and Farkle. Finally, something that will distract me.

* * *

I enter the classroom, and everyone looks at me. "Mr. Matthews wanted to talk to me about something, he said just to call him." And with that I take my seat in between Farkle and Lucas.

Pulling out my sketchbook and drawing pencils, I began to work on the object she's having us draw these next few weeks - her motorcycle. The three of us worked in silence for the next few minutes, until Farkle finally said something. "Riley feels awful you know, but what she did was the right thing."

I know it was, but what she did still wasn't right and I'm not just gonna forgive her because she felt bad like I used to - that isn't how the real world works and she needs to learn that. I felt Lucas place his hand on the small of my back - an act of comfort. I don't need it, but I don't tell him to stop. "She went behind my back and told her parents false information, knowing I wouldn't like it. I think I'm allowUghed to be mad just a little bit longer."

"She's not the only ones who thinks it, I do, Lucas does, and her parents do." My stomach clenched when the name 'Lucas' came out of his mouth, apparently he thinks I'm depressed too. "We didn't do this with the intent on making you upset, we want you to be okay and actually be it. You can say you're always 'okay' all the time but that doesn't make it true."

That's the second time I've heard this today. Has nobody ever bought that? Did they know it was just a lie to back up my tough-girl act? If so, why didn't they say anything? Did they just not care?

"Maya, come back to earth," Farkle said, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

"Right, sorry... I'm mainly pissed off because you didn't even ask me before you went and said something to him. If you would have come and talked to me about it, maybe things would have gone differently. Look, can we not, talk about this? This day has been stressful enough, I'd rather deal with it tomorrow."

Farkle sighed, "Fine. But we are talking about it tomorrow."

"I know."

"Even if you skip school. We'll come to your house afterwards and deal with it then."

"Okay."

I don't even wanna think about tomorrow at this point. I just want to go home with Lucas, watch movies and cuddle, and fall asleep.


	10. Chapter 9

**BACK! I was surprised with the response I got and how many of you actually wanted me to keep this story going. So here you go! I got over my writers block too! So here's a new chapter, I hope you all enjoy.**

_THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO THESE TOPICS, DO NOT READ.**  
**_

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World**

* * *

As soon as I hear the final bell ring, I gather my things and am out of that classroom before anyone else. I couldn't be in that class one more second. I just, wanna get home, and spend sometime with my boyfriend. Even if that means being emotional for the 3485687th time today because I know he's gonna want to talk about today.

When I get to my locker, Missy is there waiting with her entourage and I can honestly feel my heart sink. I thought I had enough of her bullshit for one day, can't she just leave me the fuck alone? This day has been hell enough thanks to her. I had half a mind to turn around, but Lucas will be here soon enough and I'm not gonna let her stop me from getting to my fucking locker.

I walk up to her and stare her in the face, "Can you move? I kind of need my stuff."

She smirked before stepping aside and I knew something was up. There was no way Missy would just step aside without giving me hell. As I start to put in my combination, I silently pray for Lucas to show up any minute now. If he was here, they'd leave, I'm sure. I put in my combination as slow as fucking possible, stalling, giving him time to show up. By the time I get to the last digit, he isn't anywhere to be seen and I know I can't stall any longer.

When I open my locker, a bunch of notes fall out. They burst out laughing and _god where is Lucas? _I don't bother to pick up the notes, I ignore their laughter and grab my jacket before closing my locker.

"Aren't you gonna read what they say?"

"Like hell I'm giving you the satisfaction of that. So no, now if you pricks excuse me, I have to go meet up with my boyfriend." I go to turn around, but there's this giant behind me. My guess? One of Missy's boy toys.

Missy bends down to pick up one of the pieces of paper. "Okay, how about I read it instead? Hmm... this one says, 'If you're gonna cut yourself, at least do it the right way'." My heart drops. No. This can't be happening.

One of her moron friends picks another one up and reads it aloud as well, "This one says, 'If I were you I would have killed myself a long time ago'."

The guy behind me laughs, "Look at this one, 'No wonder your mother wants to kill herself, if I had to live in the same house as you I would too'."

They keep going, and going, and I am trying so hard not to cry, but my vision is starting to blur and I can't see clearly anymore. Before teardrops start falling, I make a run for it. For where? Lord only knows, maybe I'll finally go home.

* * *

_They're right you know, _and just like that, the voices are back. _You should do everyone a favor and end your life now. They'd forget you soon enough, and this way your mother won't have to. You know in a year they'll forget you're gone because you're not something to be dwelled on. You're a waste of space. Everyone wants you off this planet on some remote level, so you might as well give the people what they want right? _

I'm outside. Where exactly? I don't know. But I'm left alone to my thoughts, and fighting them is getting... fucking impossible. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this anymore. This constant battle between staying for Riley, and Lucas, and Farkle, and the Matthews, and leaving this wretched place once and for all. Normally the former always won, but now I'm not too sure.

I never thought I'd ever be this willing to take my own life, but I'd give anything right now to be dead. And the worst part is? It's not exactly death that I want. It's what it offers. A permanent escape this never ending hell, something cutting would never offer me. Cutting lent me an escape, but one that would only last for a short while and it always, _always _came back and I'm getting tired of it. Right now I don't see any other option besides suicide.

And that's how I find myself on this bridge, phone in hand and sending all my loved ones the same text, '_I love you, I'm sorry_'.

And I really am. I know this is gonna break their hearts, but only for a little while. It won't be long after I'm gone, before I'm just a distant memory in all their heads. They don't need me, nobody ever does because I have nothing to offer the world, to offer them. Riley has Farkle now, and Lucas would have found someone prettier, more talented, and worth so much more than I ever was anyways. He was bound to leave eventually. They all were. I guess... it's only fair if I left first.

I stepped over the railing and now I'm only standing on the ledge. I can feel my phone going off like crazy in my back pocket; Lucas, Riley, Farkle, Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews... demanding to know what I meant by that and all probably all worried out of their minds. I looked down, and I see how far up I am. If I were to jump, I would surely die. So why haven't I jumped yet? Because my phone is still going off. It's making me second guess my decision. Do I really want to do this to them? They have done so much for me, and this is how I repay them? I can't do it... at least not yet. I need to give them a proper goodbye first...

I go to climb back over the railing when my foot slip, "AHH!" I cried out, as now the only thing keeping me alive is the strength of my arms and hands.

"HELP!" I screamed, I can't die now. I need to say goodbye, oh god someone help. "HELP ME!" Tears are starting to steam down my face and I start to feel the frigid winds against my face. "PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME, OH GOD!"

My hands are starting to slip, and I'm bawling my eyes out as I try and pull myself up again, but with no leverage, it's impossible for me to do so. Not knowing what else to do, I start to cry out, "OH GOD, HELP ME! I NEED YOU! DON'T LET ME DIE JUST YET, I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE!"

With every second that pasts, my hands slip more and more and I know I am going to die. It's crazy to think, not even 15 minutes ago, I was contemplating jumping. Just as I begin to slip off and plummet to my death, a hand reaches out and wraps around my wrist and starts to pull me up. It's Mr. Matthews.

When I finally get over the railing, he pulls me into his arms and holds me close as he cries. I made him cry. I made him fucking cry. I hug him back, and we stand there for what feels like hours when he finally pulls away and looks me dead in the eyes and it's clear as day he was still a wreck, "Maya Pamela Hart, don't you _ever _do that again. We were so worried, what the hell were you thinking?"

I'm shaking too bad right now to answer, so I just look up at Mr. Matthews and he understands. He takes off his jacket and wraps it around me and helps me to the car. It doesn't take long before I'm asleep.


	11. Chapter 10

**Thank you for all the reviews! I didn't know this story would get such great attention, so thank you! And for those of you who thought it was Lucas, it was going to be. But then I realized a 16-17 year old boy probably wouldn't be able to pull up a teenage girl hanging off a ledge as easily as an adult, say Mr. Matthews, would have been.**

_THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO THESE TOPICS, DO NOT READ.**  
**_

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World**

* * *

I woke up in a daze, it took me a minute or two to realize I was in Riley's bedroom. Slowly, I started to remember I nearly died, I nearly killed myself. If it weren't for Mr. Matthews, I'd be dead. That's when I start to hear voices from their living room.

I peel the blanket back and creep over the door to listen, they're probably talking about how fucked up I am and how they need to keep Riley away from me.

"_Well if you feel that way, I don't think she should be living under the same roof as you. We'll gladly take her in. Clearly, you're unfit to be a mother and we already love that little girl as if she were our own._" It's Mrs. Matthews, who is she talking to? And, who might they take in? "_I do have a right to tell you you're not fit to be a mother, when I call you to inform you your daughter nearly committed suicide today and the only response you have is to laugh and say she's doing it for attention. The fact that your daughter wants to kill herself, and nearly succeeded in her attempt to do so, is not a cry for attention. She needs help, help that you clearly won't give her. We will and will gladly take her in._"

My heart dropped. They called my mother. The called her. And she doesn't even care. Why am I so surprised? She already said I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. She's made it very clear that she doesn't give a damn about my life, so why, why is this confirmation hurt so bad?

I suddenly started to feel very hot, my vision started to turn everything negative and my body dropped to the floor and I was out.

When I woke up, everything was dark, the only light source is that of the moon and the New York City lights. I look over at Riley's clock and see in bright neon green lights, the time is 10:43. Feeling a dryness in my throat, I decide to go get a drink. I refuse to let myself think of what happened earlier this day. I focus on getting a cup, getting out the water jug from the fridge, pouring the water in the cup, putting away the jug, and walking back to Riley's room. Fortunately, everyone was in the living room when I get down there. They all turn around to look at me and I immediately feel like I'm about to throw up.

"Maya!" Riley gasped, pulling herself up from the couch and hugging me. "I was so worried! Why would you do that?" Riley asked when she released me from the hug, she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the couch and sat me in between her parents while she sat kneeling on the ground of my hand.

My gaze travels from her, to her parents, and the only answer I have for them, is simply, "I wanted it to end..."

Mrs. Matthews places a comforting hand on my shoulder, "Wanted what to end, sweetie?"

My hands are trembling, my voice is anything but steady, and I'm about to cry again. "Feeling this way... like I'm off, and life is hopeless. I'm sick of crying all the damn time for no reason, and everything is a struggle. From waking up to talking to sleeping. Everything is in slow motion and it's exhausting. I'm tired of being reminded of every failure, or bad experience, or mistake I've made in my pathetic life. I'm just... tired and I'm sick of it. Nothing I do offers a permanent release from it all... I'm sorry, for everything I've done to you guys. You do not need this burden, I'm fine, okay! Look, I'm smiling." And I smiled, and it was the most painful thing I've ever endured. But when they looked at me, I knew they could tell it was fake.

"Maya, you're not fine okay? You nearly killed yourself today. Why didn't you tell anyone you were feeling this way?" Mrs. Matthews asked me, a hand running up and down my back.

"I didn't want you guys to worry. Worrying over me would be a waste of your energy and I don't want to be the reason you guys are stressed. It's bad enough that I'm making my mom stressed by simply breathing."

"Maya, worrying about you is not a waste. We shouldn't have to worry about you. Which is why we're taking you to see a therapist..." Mr. Matthews said, and he gave a glance over at his wife, as if to urge her to say something more.

"...Maya, honey, can we ask you something?" As she said this, she grabbed my hand and Mr. Matthews whispered something in Riley's ear before she left the room. Surprisingly, in Riley's absense, I didn't freak out. I was still at some ease.

Looking between the two adults, I say, "What is it?"

Mrs. Matthews gave me a sad smile before continuing, "Well, honey, we talked to your mother earlier today. And, she's on board, but if you're not that's okay, we just think it'd be best if you did. You see, you're mom, as you know, can't take care of you like she wishes she could -"

I cut her off, knowing what she's talking about and not liking the way she's telling me this, "Stop sugarcoating it. I heard you on the phone with her. She doesn't want me. So you're hoping that I agree to letting you guys take custody of me so you don't have to tell me the truth so I don't get all butthurt. I already know she doesn't. She's made it painfully clear. And I appreciate you guys trying not to make me sad, but I don't appreciate having things babied for me. So yes, I'll move in with you guys. Thank you for taking me in." I stand up and start heading to Riley's room. "Even if she did want me, I'd want to stay with you guys anyways. She not much of a mother anyways. Goodnight, and thank you for everything. I'm sorry I scared you guys today."

Having said that, I turn around and enter Riley's room to find her sitting on the by the window where we have all out talks. She's on her phone, and is probably texting Farkle. She saw me enter the room, and said that she had to go. "You don't have to stop-" I start to say, but she cuts me off.

"Actually I do." She opens the window, and then come Lucas from the fire escape. "Now, if you excuse me, I'm gonna go distract my parents." Riley leaves the room.

He doesn't scowl, but his mouth is so tense I know he's angry with _me_. "Why?" Is all he asks, his tone very terse.

"I told you-"

"No, you didn't tell me anything Maya. Besides the same thing you told the others, that you're sorry and that you love us. That's all you told me, that's all you told anybody. So _why _did you do it? I told you to call me-"

"If I felt like self-harming, not if I felt like killing myself."

"Those go hand in hand, Maya. I thought it was obvious."

"Clearly it wasn't." I snap, which causes me to feel bad. Everyone has had a stressful day, and I really shouldn't be taking it out on Lucas, and he shouldn't be taking it out on me. "Look, Lucas-"

"No, Maya, I want to know why. You would have said something about being suicidal, I know you would have. So what happened today that made you want to end your life?"

"I just..." I don't know if I should tell him, or anyone for that matter, about what happened today with Missy. I know how he is when he's mad, and he was already about to punch her this morning. "I'm fine now, okay? Don't worry about it."

"No, Maya. That's not it, you're not gonna pull that on me, okay? Why did you do it?"

"Because you guys are gonna leave anyway!" I don't know why I said it. I mean, yeah, sure, they're gonna leave me (everyone does eventually), but I still don't know why I said it. I didn't mean to, it just happened. "I don't wanna be around for that, and I'm tired of everything and I thought it would be best if I did just die. Nobody needs me. Riley has Farkle and he has her. You're bound to find someone better than I am, someone who can actually... do something for you. You'd get over me in no time. I'm not important, nobody needs me."

"You're too important to just... die, Maya." He shakes his head. He won't even look at me - his eyes keep shifting across my face, to the wall the wall behind me or the ceiling above me, to everything but me. I am too stunned to be angry.

"No, Lucas, I'm not. Farkle and Riley have each other, Auggie won't even know what's going on and I'll be long forgotten by the time he's in 2nd grade. My mom doesn't even care that I almost died today so that says enough about her. I am not a Matthews, I am not their kid, it won't be long until they've stopped grieving my death. Everyone will do just fine."

"Who cares about everyone? What about _me?_" He lowers his head into his hands, covering his eyes. His fingers are trembling.

Then he crosses the room in two long strides and touches his lips to mine. Their gentle pressure erases the past day, and I am the girl who is constantly teasing him and calling him names just for a laugh because I know it doesn't bother him. I am the girl who kicked Billy Ross in the balls after he didn't stop messing with Farkle. I am the girl who Riley sees as her best friend.

I pull back, my hand to his chest to keep him away. The problem is, I am also the girl who told her first friend to kill himself and he did. I am the girl who is not worth anything to my father as he raped and abused me because he knows me for me. I am the girl most of the school does not see fit for life. I cannot erase those things.

"You _would _be fine." I don't look at him. I stare at his T-shirt between my fingers and the chain his mother gave him a couple months back, but I do not look at his face. "Not at first. But you would move on, and do what you have to."

He wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me against him. "That's a _lie," _he says, before he kisses me again.

And for once? I don't listen to my thoughts telling me to push him away so you don't spread whatever you have wrong with you to him. Instead, I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around him. I press one hand between his shoulder blades and curl the other around the back of his neck. I can feel his breaths against my palm, his body expanding and contracting, and I know he's strong, steady, and right in the head. All the things I need to be, but I am not. I am not.

He walks backwards, pulling me with him so I stumble. He sits on the edge of Riley's bed and I stand in front him, and we're finally eye to eye.

He touches my face, covering my cheeks with his hands, sliding his fingertips down my neck, fitting his fingers to the slight curve of my hips.

I can't stop.

I fit my mouth to his, and he tastes like water and smells like fresh air. I drag my hand from his neck to the small of his back, and put it under his shirt. He kisses me harder.

I knew he was strong, I just didn't know how strong until I felt it myself. The muscles in his back tightening beneath my fingers.

_Stop, _I tell myself.

Suddenly, it's as if we're in a hurry. His fingertips brushing my side under my shirt, my hands clutching at him, struggling closer but there is no closer. I have never longed for someone this way, or this much. But I know we can't cross that line, not here, not yet.

He pulls back just enough to look into my eyes, eyelids lowered.

"Promise me," he whispers, "that you won't go. That you won't leave me. That you won't..." he struggles to say the words but before I can tell him it's okay, he says, "_kill _yourself. For me. Do this one thing for me."

It seems wrong of him to ask this of me, in some way. I wasn't too sure if I was ever going to try again anyways. I guess now, I have a reason not to. Just one reason. One that will leave me eventually, and I guess, when that time comes, I will then. If I still feel the urge. I don't know what came over me today, what made the desire to end it all so strong, but I pray I never feel like that again. So hopeless.

"Okay." But as these words stumble out of my mouth, I feel a stab of pain in my chest. As if I'm lying to him. I'm not lying to him. I'm not...

"Promise," he says, frowning.

The pain becomes an ache, one that I can't quite explain. I am not lying to Lucas. I won't kill myself. "I promise." But why does it feel like I am?


	12. Chapter 11

_THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO THESE TOPICS, DO NOT READ._

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World**

* * *

Lucas leaves not long after that, saying he had to be back before his mom notices his absence. Placing one last kiss on my cheek, he crawls out the window and ventures down the fire escape leaving me alone to my thoughts.

I wasn't lying to him. I'm, I'm going to get help, and I'm going to get better and I won't kill myself and we'll be okay. Everything will be okay. But why, _why _does it feel like it's only gonna get worse from here?

Not feeling like thinking anymore, and just plain out exhausted, I sit down by the window and look out over the NYC skyline.

My thoughts start to travel back to the altercation with Missy and her pals. I know I should have told Lucas, or someone about what happened. But if I tell Lucas, he might to something terrible. His temperament is like a dam. It takes a lot to break it, but when it bursts, there's damage done. Looking back to the past, the only time I really ever saw Lucas get really angry, was when someone was insulting or trying to harm his loved ones. I'm his girlfriend now, and I can only imagine what he would do if he knew what Missy did.

I could tell Riley, but I don't wanna involve her in this. She's still pure and innocent, why ruin it? I could tell Farkle, but he wouldn't be able to do anything. He's the one that's gets protected, he doesn't do the protecting. Maybe I can tell Mr. Matthews, but what proof do I have? I didn't bother picking up the papers, I was too upset to even think about it. I just wanted to die. I guess I can try, but Missy has a lot of power and I doubt it'll get anywhere besides making my situation worse with her.

I sigh as I stand up, deciding to at least try. I'd try and go after her myself, but then everyone will ask why I did that and blah, blah, blah. At least if I tell Mr. Matthews, something might possibly be done. Which is better than letting it continue and just get worse.

I walk down to the living room to see them all at the table chatting. _Before I lose my nerve, _I thought and cleared my throat. All heads turned to me and I feel like a deer caught in headlight. "Mr. Matthews? Can I... can I speak to you for a second? Privately."

They all exchange looks, before he nods, "Sure, Maya."

Riley and her mom got up and left and I took Riley's seat at the table. We sit there for a few minutes, he waits for me to say something, I try and think of something to say. "You... I um..." Forming words is hard, and I feel like crying again. "Today, after school, I went to go to my locker to get my stuff. Missy and her... people were there, just huddled around it. When I opened my locker..." My hands are starting to tremble and I am trying not to break down right now. I'm tired of breaking down today. "When I opened my locker, a bunch of notes fell out. I tried ignoring them, but.. they wouldn't let me."

I avoid his eyes, I don't want to see what's behind them. Everyone won't stop looking at me with pity and they need to stop. "What did they say, Maya?" I hear him ask gently, and I don't even have to look at him to feel his sympathy. I don't need it. I don't want it. It makes me feel even more broken than I already am. I don't say this aloud. No, I'm too weak for that. Instead I tell him what the notes say.

"That I should kill myself."

It takes a while for Mr. Matthews to respond, and for a moment I didn't think he heard me. "What did they say?"

"That I should kill myself, no wonder my mom wants to kill herself, and a whole bunch of other bullshit that really hit home... I just, just thought I should tell you."

"Is this the first time this happened? Her harassment of you, I mean."

"Missy harasses everyone, Mr. Matthews. I just happen to be her target as of lately, probably because I'm dating Ranger Rick and she's... I dunno, I guess she's still into him from 7th grade."

He takes a moment to reply, and that's when it occurs to me we hadn't told anyone we were actually dating besides Riley and Farkle. "...I will, talk to Mr. Friar later. Right now we'll deal with Missy. She bullies everyone?"

"Just about, yeah." I responded, choosing to ignore his comment about my cowboy.

"Okay," he sighed, before grabbing my hand. "Look Maya, is what she said... are those notes the reason..."

I tensed, because in a way, they were. But the reality is, it was bound to happen either way. Something was going to happen to push me to that breaking point eventually. "In... a way. I'm not gonna say it was entirely her actions that pushed me to do that, but they played a part."

I figure, if I'm gonna get help, I might as well start being honest with the way I feel from the get-go with people who want to help me. And starting now, I will be.

"Do you know, what else... played a part?"

I hesitate before nodding. "Me. I mean, obviously, but like..." I don't exactly know how to explain it, why I want to die. How can anyone pinpoint their exact reason as to why they want to end their own life? In my experience, there's never just one reason. It's the combination of a million different things. I don't quite know what to say, but explain to him how I've been feeling. "I just... I think I hit the point in life, where I'm just done. I cried, I fought, I tried, but everyday is just a never ending struggle to silence the voices in my head, to get up, to breathe and I'm tired of everything and the only way out for me was killing myself. Nothing else stops the... _pain. _Not..." I almost don't say it. I almost don't tell him I hurt myself. But I do, because I'm tired of lying too. "Not cutting, not drinking, not smoking, not music, or drawing... _nothing_. And when you can't find a permanent escape from the constant torment, and you know the only escape is death, you become desperate. I've always felt this way, but I know no matter what I am loved and I couldn't hurt any of you guys like that. It was always a 'be selfish' or 'stay for the people who love you now but will leave eventually' and the latter was always the winner. When you have these thoughts already running though your head, and then you get told to go kill yourself... well, you can see why I almost jumped off that bridge."

And there it is. It's all out there now, for the world to know.

We sit there together in silence, no one saying anything but no one trying to move either. He sits there in silence, processing what I said and I sit there waiting for him to say something, _anything. _He doesn't. Instead, he reaches across the table, takes my arm, and puts a hand at the end sleeve, and he's hesitating. Whether he's scared or wants my permission, I don't know. So I take my arm from his grasp, and before I think twice about it, I pull up my sleeve revealing the gauze tape Lucas put over the cuts. I take off the clip and unravel the tape revealing the cuts from last night. Dried blood sealed the wounds over, and now it's basically just scabs. I bring myself to look up at Mr. Matthews, and he's close to tears. I take my arm away and pull down the sleeves and hug him. I feel his sobs wrack his body, and it's now that I realize how much I am loved...

He pulls away, looking me in the eyes. "Maya, honey, look... you don't, you don't need to do this. Okay? There are other ways, more... ways that don't involve damaging your skin, to help you deal with things, okay?" I feel my throat close up and my stomach clench. "The thought of you... hurting so much, to want to... hurt yourself, breaks my heart. It makes me feel like a failure. I always thought I was supposed to be the dad your father wasn't."

"You aren't though. Don't hold yourself to those expectations, I never held you to them." Although every fiber of my being is screaming stop while you're ahead, don't let them in any farther, I ignore it and keep talking. "You didn't fail anyone, okay? You're not my father, it's not your burden to play the part of a concerned parent of a lost cause. I am not meant to have a father, or a mother, or good parents, and I've accepted that. I don't expect people to fill the void that is missing and neither you or Topanga should hold yourselves to that position in my life. I don't need a family. I'm fine on my own, I always have been."

I leave out the fact that even if I were to hold him to those expectations, he would have surpassed any I would have set. I leave out the fact that my father was a deadbeat anyway. I leave out the fact that he is a better man, and father, then Ed could ever be. A real man doesn't run from his fears and a real father doesn't sexually abuse his child. Corey Matthews is the person you should think of when you think of a father or a man, not Edward Hart. I leave all that out though. I don't leave out, "You didn't fail anyone, and you especially didn't fail me."

I get up after that and walk to Riley's room to see her sleeping on her side of the bed when we have our sleep overs. Too tired, both physically and emotionally, I just climb in and lay my head on the pillow and stare at her ceiling. I don't sleep that night, and I don't realize it until I see the sunrise peaking in through her curtains. Today is gonna be another long day.


	13. Chapter 12

_THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG MENTIONS OF SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. IF YOU ARE VULNERABLE TO THESE TOPICS, DO NOT READ._

Sorry for the late update! I'm currently in the process of moving so I've been super busy with packing, and unpacking a shit.  
Thank you for all of the wonderful reviews, I'm so glad you guys like the story. Stay strong you guys and if you need anything, don't be afraid to message me. I probably won't reply right away but I will eventually, I promise.  
Okay, so what I'm wondering is, if I should do a chapter in Lucas's, or anyone's really, point of view or if I should stick to Maya's. Tell me what you think with your reviews if and of you read my damn notes. If you do, please don't be shy to reivew. They mean a lot to me and let me know that this story actually means something.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World**

* * *

When Riley's alarm started to blare, I yanked the blankets off the bed and went straight to the drawers where I stashed all of my clothes. Pulling out a purple long sleeve, a jean vest, and black skinny jeans, I carry it to the bathroom across the hall with me and locked the door as I entered.

I turned on the shower and started to strip from my pajamas, avoiding the mirror's constant gaze. As I stepped into the scalding water, yesterday came flooding back. Farkle, Missy, my mom... almost dying. The water was on as hot as it can go, and it wasn't doing anything. I wanted to forget. I wanted to fucking block it all out, at least until I have to get to school and deal with it. But no, I can't have something go my way for _once _in my fucking life.

My thoughts wouldn't silence and even though I have teh cold off and the hot all the way on, it wasn't doing anything. The... voices in my head wouldn't shut up.

_You should have gone through with it, but instead you're too much of a coward to kill yourself. You know they would be better off. Just do it on your way home. Just die, before you do them any more damage. _

I try and get them to stop. I want them to stop. I promised myself I'd get help, I promise my cowboy. I have to, if not for me then for him.

_Oh please, he'll get over you eventually. They all will. You don't matter that much._

Why doesn't this water get any hotter, goddammit!

Not knowing how else to shut them up, I grab one of the shaving razors on the shelf and hold it against my wrist, and slice. The skin pulls apart, and the blood starts beating up. I do it again, and again, and again, the skin slices open and the blood drips off my arm and onto the ground, being washed away from the water of the shower. I don't stop until the voices have begun to silence.

_Look at you, fucking up again. Didn't you promise Lucas you'd call if you want to cut?_

_If only they knew what you were doing right now, if only they would realize just how much of a lost cause you are, they'd kick you out. Abandon you like everyone else has._

_Just kill yourself, Maya. Greiving your death will take less time then worrying, stressing and burdening them. _

No. I can't... I won't, I will _not _break this promise. I promised him I'll get help. I promised him I'll be okay. I promised him I would never kill himself. But the thing is... my hands are shaking and my tears are falling and oh god I don't want to do this anymore.

The blood hasn't stopped gushing, and I know I should probably stop it. I know I should get out of the shower and clean up. But I don't move. I just stare at it, hoping that it won't stop and I'll just die of blood loss. But I know I won't. I didn't cut deep enough. Normally I think it's a good thing, but recently I can't help but think I should have cut deeper.

I turn don't turn off the water as I use my hand to apply pressure on my cuts. It hurts like a bitch, but I relish in the pain. When the bleeding had slowed down enough, I wash off my hands and the razor and put it back in the place where I had found it.

As I step out of the shower, I reach for the medicine cabinet praying they have band-aids I can wear underneath my sleeve. They have them. I put them on, and then I change into clothes.

And it's as I am walking out of the bathroom I realize - this was the first time I have ever cut at the Matthews.

~(d-_-b)~

When I enter the Matthews, and now mine I guess, kitchen, Mrs. Matthews is making pancakes and Mr. Matthews is sitting reading the newspaper. They notice me come in almost immediately.

"Morning, honey! Sit down, these pancakes are almost done." Mrs. Matthews says, as she flips on of the pancakes. "Is Riley up yet?"

I shrug, as soon as her alarm went off I went to the bathroom so I have no idea. "I dunno, I was the first one out of bed though."

Mrs. Matthews flips the last pancake onto the plate and then brings the plate over to the table. Mr. Matthews sets the paper down, and I actively avoid his gaze. "Okay, well, we need to discuss what exactly is happening with your living arrangement. Is it okay if we discuss this now?" The older woman asks, taking my hand in hers as she sits down.

I bite my lip an nod.

Mr. Matthews speaks first, "We would like to adopt you, to bring you officially under our care, to officially make you a part of our family. But there are things that... we need to know in order to do this. Would you want to-"

"Yes." It's selfish. I know. But I can't bring myself to say no.

Wide grins spread across both their faces, "That's great. Your mother, she's willing to sign the papers and give up her parental rights." _Look at how willing she was to give you up. _I bite the inside of my lip and continue to listen. "When would you like to have her sign the papers and move in?"

"...As soon as possible."

If it was even possible, their smiles widen. Mrs. Matthews is the one who talks now, "After you guys get home, we can drive over to the apartment and gather your things, how does that sound?"

"That sounds..." I smile, a real smile for the first time in months. "Great."

* * *

Riley came down right after that, we ate pancakes and then we went down to the subway station. Lucas was already there, and my breath catches in my throat when I remember what I did this morning.

He sees us coming, and he starts walking over. We meet him halfway, he grabs onto my hand and asks Riley for a moment.

As she disappears, Lucas bends his head down and places a chaste kiss on my lips before pulling us down to the ground to sit. "Is what I keep hearing about Missy true?" I feel my heart jump to my throat, my breath hitches, and my body visibly tenses. That's all the confirmation he needs as he stands up and marches over to Missy who is standing by her entourage in the corner.

"Lucas, don't." I say, placing a hand on his shoulder and putting myself between him and Missy. "It's not worth it, okay? Listen to me Ranger Rick, it's not worth it. You hit her - you're mama is gonna kick your ass, you're probably gonna get kicked out because fuck gender equality, her family will sue - a whole bunch of shit that you don't need and can be prevented if walk away now. Stand down." He doesn't relent, still glaring daggers at Missy. His jaw is clenched, his fists are in balls, and his eyes scream murder. "Lucas. Do not hit her, do not hurt her. You do that, chances are you're ass is gonna get kicked out, and I need you here. Not 9,000 miles away in Texas." He finally looks at me then. He's still pissed beyond belief, but he knows I'm right. He wants to help me get better, how the fuck is he gonna do that if he's in Texas.

He looks over that the devil in disguise, teeth clenches, he says in a dangerously low voice, "You're lucky she was here. I might not have been able to control myself." He doesn't move, and I have to drag him away to a corner far, far away from her. We sit down and I cuddle him until the subway shows and I start wondering where the hell Riley went.

* * *

We meet Farkle in out usual spot, by the first stair case in the Art &amp; Music hallway. Riley is there, still begs the question as to where she was when Lucas lost it.

We all are seated on the steps, my hand in Lucas's lap, Riley next to me and Farkle next to her. We sit in silence for a few minutes, and the Farkle is the first to speak. "So Maya, what's going on? Why the long sleeves, and what was with that text message you sent me last night?"

"It wasn't just you Farkle. She sent it to all of us." Lucas speaks up, and I'm not sure if saying that helped anything.

"Wait, all of us? Maya, what-"

"One question at a time, Turtleneck. I can only answer so much at once." I tease, trying to make this situation lighter. Everything was heavy, and it was all my fault. Might as well try and fix it.

He chuckled, and the gestured to my arms. "Okay, the long sleeves. _Are_ you hurting yourself?"

I tensed up, and instinctively pulled my hand away from Lucas's too pull down my long sleeves. I can't voice anything, my voice seemed to of disappeared, so I nod. I felt Lucas wrap his arms around my waist, I felt his chin on my head, and I felt myself lean into him. And then I remember, I fucked up again. I cut this morning. I didn't realize what I was going at first, but once I did, I didn't stop. I couldn't. I need to tell him, but not now.

"Y-you are?" He asked again, for clarity. I can only nod. I can see him bite his lip and nod, "Okay... why... why didn't you tell any one? Any of us? Did Lucas know?"

I bite my lip as I chose my words collectively in my head. "I... I didn't tell anyone, because I didn't... I didn't want you guys to worry, or think I am some attention whore. Even more then that, I... didn't know how. I mean, how the fuck are you supposed to casually bring up the fact that you're hurting yourself? How are you supposed to do so in a manner that it doesn't look like you're just seeking attention?" And I know that's not it. Of course that's not it. "I, I.. also didnt want it to change how you guys look at me. I am still Maya Hart, toughest girl you know. I am still Maya Hart, the girl who would kill anyone who dares hurt her loved ones. I am still Huckleberry's shortstack of pancakes. I am still '_Peaches_'. I am still the girl that Farkle has been 'in love with' since forever. I am no different then the person I was yesterday. I don't want to be treated any differently, I don't want you to look at me like I am fragile. And, yes. Lucas knew. He's known for a few days."

They look at Huckleberry, who can only shrug. "Yeah, I knew. But I wasn't gonna force her to tell anyone, or tell anyone for her, until she was ready or she didn't give me any other option."

Farkle nods, and Riley just stares at the wall. I know she feels terrible. I'm her best friend, how could feel like she was to blame, feel like she should have noticed. "Riley," I say, "This, don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, you only ever helped, okay?"

"I should have-"

"No should of, could of, would of's, okay? The fact is you didn't. And I didn't want you to. I didn't want any of you to. Even if your guys were bound to find out eventually, I wanted to prolong it until the last possible moment. I didn't want you guys to know, so you didn't."

"Wait," Farkle asked, "Then how did Lucas find out?"

I tensed. Just as I was about to explain, Lucas spoke up. "I don't see how that's relevant. Now, what's the next question?"

Farkle looks at him for a few moments, probably trying to decide whether to just drop it or keep pressing, and then turns to me and asks, "What... what was that text ab-"

Before Farkle could finish his sentence, the bell rang signaling us to go to our classes. I stood up almost immediately, "Welp, looks like we gotta go. Come on Farkle we got gym." I bent down and gave Lucas a quick kiss on the lips before practically running off to gym.

* * *

It was just another day in the bleachers, so Farkle and I just sat up there. I was drawing while Farkle was just... well, he kept staring at me. "Why don't you take a picture, it might last longer."

It takes him a moment to respond. When he did, I didn't know how to respond. "Maya, I can't tell you how many times I wished I was dead." My hand stops on my paper, and my heartbeat starts to speed up. "How many times I wanted to swallow those pills in the medicine cabinet. How many times I contemplated taking the gun in the drawer in the living room, put it to my jugular, and pull the trigger. How many times I wanted to take the knife I was using to cut vegetables while cooking with my mom, and slice my throat." I could feel my eyes start to wet, my throat closing in on me. Why is he telling me this? Why didn't I ever notice? "And, I didn't tell you, or anyone, because... I didn't want you guys to worry. And, no one knew. Not... not until my dad saw me getting out the gun in his drawer. I've been diagnosed, and been seeing a therapist every Wednesday for the past six months." I felt him grab my hand, and the tears are falling down my cheeks without permission and why the fuck am I the one crying this sin't my story. "I wasn't actually gonna go through with it. I was thinking of what it would be like, and how many people would actually miss me, and I was... just..." He pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket and holds it up. "Read this okay?"

I nod, because it's the only thing I can bring myself to do. He hands the paper to me, and I unfold it.

_"You're sitting at your desk. You know it's time to go. You've said that to yourself over and million times. But this time you know for sure it's real._

_You're tired. You're just so very tired. Your mom pissed you off, like school wasn't bad enough today. You go to get the rope. Or the knife. Or the gun. Or just whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate to leave. You're ready. You think of it as some game. The first one dead, it's the first one who wins._

_No one's home; it's the perfect time. You're ready. If you don't do it now, you're just gonna look down at yourself even more forever. You're gonna hate yourself even more._

_No one knows. No one will know. Until later on._

_Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera along with a chair. You're standing on the chair. You decide to go with the rope. You're gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tide to the top of your fan. While the other is already around your neck._

_You're in tears and you know it's for real this time; you can feel it. You turn on the video camera and you just stare at that red light blinking upon your eyes._

_You start to mumble out a few words, "Mom, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry but I'm sorry. I just can't do this anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've lost myself and I seem to not be able to find my way back. Please don't blame yourself. Please. I love you.. Stay strong and stay safe. I'll see you all soon."_

_You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won't be there for her anymore. Specially, when she needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you can think of. To Lucas, for calling him all those names and for breaking up with him through suicide, even though you guys just started dating. He's a good guy, and could have given her the world. But you knew you weren't good for him, that he deserved better. To Farkle, for always being so hard on him. He never knew how much he mattered to you. Even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore. You're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their lives._

_You stare, once again, at that red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now. As you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand . Your pointer finger on the off button already. You click that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair. That chair is on the floor._

_The room is filled with silence._

_You're dead. You're gone. There is no going back._

_Everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore but everyone else will._

_What is your mom gonna think? What about your little brother or your little sister? What are they gonna do?_

_You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back!_

_You ended your life because the person you liked only thought of you as a friend?_

_You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew that you were the only one that is going somewhere in life._

_But that isn't why. You're not that pathetic. _

_Your mother is home from the diner now. She calls your name; telling you that she's home, just like she normally does when she gets home. But something is different. You don't answer. She doesn't hear your voice. She beings to get worried; you always answer. She moves down the hallway thinking you're sleeping, or showering. _

_Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Your neighbor heard her scream, the walls of your apartment building is very thin, and barges in. He walks down the hall, sees your mom on the floor and your door wide open. He sees your body. He calls the police. Even though he barely knew you, he could barely form the words, "My neighbors daughter committed suicide."_

_Everything is over now. Your mom had been laid on the torn up couch by your neighbor. The cops and paramedics arrive. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out, you go. Just like that. In the blink of an eye, everything happens and everything was over._

_You're gone. You're dead. THERE IS NO GOING BACK!_

_Nothing is the same._

_Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half-"_

I crumple up the paper then. I know Farkle's intentions were good, but he doesn't realize that didn't help. "My mom would not care. My mom does not care."

"Maya, I know you feel-"

"It's not me being some mopey teen. She doesn't. I tried to kill myself yesterday. I almost died on the Manhattan Bridge yesterday. And when Topanga called to tell her, she said I was making a big deal out of nothing, and that I was just seeking attention. She's giving up her parental rights. Farkle, she doesn't care."

And the bell rings and I gather my stuff and text Lucas, telling him to meet me in the janitors closet. I wasn't gonna make it through next period and I really just needed to see him.

* * *

**So yeah, that's the end of the story. Sorry it took so long to update. I've moved lately so writing has been hard.  
But yeah, tell me what you think in your reviews, and if I should write a chapter in someone else's point of view.**

**Thank you guys, lots of love. Stay strong.**


	14. AUTHORS NOTE 1

Okay, so, before I start on my new chapter (No, it's not the end of the fic), I want to know what you guys think. And I'm not fishing for compliments, I want the honest truth.

Where do you think the story should go from here, do you have any ideas or input you would like to share, should I switch up point of views - etc. Do you get what I'm asking here? I hope you do because I don't know how else to explain it.

Please leave a review and tell me what you think.


	15. Chapter 13

**_WARNING:_ May contain strong mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and/or actions, and mentions of sexual assault. Read at your own risk.**

Hello lovelies, I'm back with another chapter. Hope you enjoy it, please don't be afraid to leave a review (i love them)

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World or it's characters.**

* * *

I wasn't waiting in the janitors closet very long. But with the time I had, I decided I'd try and at least tell Lucas I relapsed. I just... I'm scared of how he'll react. Will he hold true to his promise and make me cut him? Or will he-

The door unlocked and Lucas came in. He set his books and papers on one of the shelves stalked with cleaning supplies and locked the door. I barely had enough time to turn around before I felt his lips on mine and his hands on my waist.

As much as I wanted a quick make out session, I had to explain things to him. I promised I would tell him. I already broke one promise, I will not break another.

I placed my hands on his chest, and his hands wrapped around my wrist as he pulled back, confused. Even though he was gentle with his hold, I couldn't ignore the pain coursing through my forearms. I winced. His expression went from confused to horrified in an instant. He dropped my hands, and his left one pushed back a strand of hair as he cupped my cheek. "Maya-"

"Lucas before you jump to con-" I tried to cut him off, try to explain to him I called him here to tell him about it, but he didn't let me. He pulled his hand away from my face and grabbed my arm and began to roll up the sleeve. He saw the bandaids, he saw the blood that soaked through. He looked up, and into my eyes. There is no judgment, there is no anger, and even though his eyes don't say disappointment, I know it's there. I broke my promise. I didn't call him like I was supposed to. "I was going to tell-"

I didn't get to finish that sentence either. My words were muffled by his shirt as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled him into a hug. I couldn't help but hug back and breathe in his sent - pine-cones, cupcakes, and hay. It was all him and I wanted nothing more then to stay in that moment forever. But that could never happen. "Thank you." I hear him whisper into my hair.

I pull away, and look up at him. "Thank you for what?" I asked, completely bewildered and confused as to why he would say that. "I didn't call you like I said I would. I didn't tell you immediately. I didn't-"

He cuts me off, "I know. That's not what I'm thanking you for."

"Then what-"

"Thank you for not dying, for not leaving me. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me, and how terribly devastated I would be if I ever lost you." He pulls us down to the ground. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest, and his arms wrap around me. I feel his hand move in small circles on my back and I just breathe in his scent.

"Lucas?" I mumbled into his shirt.

"Hmm?" I heard him mumble back.

I pull back to look him in the eyes. "Don't break my heart, okay?"

He smiled softly, before bringing his lips to mine. "I wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

**SO!**

**This chapter was a lot shorter then the last, and a lot sweeter. Rules had me in a feely mode because LCYAYA so I thought I would post this up and yeah. Hope you guys enjoyed! Stay strong peeps, love you.**

**Next chapter, I'm thinking of switching it up. **


	16. Chapter 14 (I'M BACK IF ANYONE CARES)

**_WARNING:_ May contain strong mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and/or actions, and mentions of sexual assault. Read at your own risk.**

Hello lovelies, I'm back with another chapter. Hope you enjoy it, please don't be afraid to leave a review (i love them). I'm sorry I've been gone so long, I've been dealing with shit and haven't really been able to write.  
Also, this chapter is gonna be a bit different in terms of "Point of View". It's gonna be told in Cory Matthew's perspective.

This is probably gonna be vvv inaccurate so enjoy

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World or it's characters.**

* * *

It was my break period, so I was spending my time grading the test papers taken from the first few classes of the day. I took a sip of my coffee and sprung right up, needing to use the restroom _now_.

I quickly paced down the hall, trying to locate the restroom when I see something out of the corner of my eye. I stop in my tracks and back up and look down the hall. Lucas was outside a door, gently knocking on it and pleading to be let in.

"Mr. Friar," I called out, the need to twinkle suddenly forgotten. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

He gulped and nodded his head, his eye nervously darting towards the janitors closet. "Y-yes, sir."

"Then get. There is no reason to be going into the janitors closet." He looked frantically between me and the ground before nodding and muttering something to the locked door before taking off. I grabbed his arm as he ran past, "You and I need to have a little talk if you think you can date one of my daughters."

He looked me in the eye and nodded, "Of course, sir."

I let go of his arm and watched him run off before walking down the hall, to the closet. The only way to get that boy to skip is if it involved Maya, and my guess she's why he was stalking outside that closet.

When I reached the door, I knocked on it lightly. No answer. I knock again, just a bit harder. Still no answer. I turned the knob to find in unlocked, and opened it.

Maya is sitting on the floor, balling her eyes out, arm over her left and her arm bleeding profusely. There's a blade right beside her thigh, soaked in blood and resting in a pool of it. The blood from Maya's arm was getting everywhere and I was frozen in place. The school bell rang, announcing it was lunch as the halls started flooding with students. I snapped out of my state and kneeled beside her.

I undid my tie and wrapped it above the deep gashes, letting it act as a tourniquet. I looked at her and pushed the hair in her face behind her ear, "Maya, sweetie? I need to get you to the nurse, okay? Try and stay awake."

She nodded and wrapped her good arm around my neck and buried her head into my chest. I felt the sobs rack her body as I picked her and stood and saw everyone was surrounding the closet. Farkle, and Riley in front and Lucas fighting his way to the front but no one letting him through.

"Move out of the way," I called out and a path cleared for me and Lucas stood in the middle of it.

"Oh my god," His eyes welled with tears as he ran up to us.

"Lucas, I'm gonna need you to get out of the way. I got to get her to the nurse."

"I'm coming with you."

I'd fight him on the matter but Maya was losing blood fast, so I just nodded and started walking. "Maya, honey, are you awake?" I felt her head nodded in the crook of my neck. "Okay, you need to stay awake."

I made a sharp turn and turned into the nurses office. She was on the phone twirling her hair when she saw me with Maya in my arms and the blood all over our clothes. She hung up the phone and ran over to where we stood in the doorway.

"Set her down on the table, tell me what happened. And somebody call 911." I placed her on the bed for the patients as she grabbed a tourniquet from the medical cabinet and a pair of scissors. I had Maya sit up, since it would make falling asleep harder. Lucas was on the phone with 911 out in the hall. "Are you going to explain?" The nurse asked again.

"Y-yeah uh, so it was my break period and I went to go the bathroom and uh, Lucas - the sir calling the ambulance - was outside the janitors closet. I told him to get to class and then went to go check out the closet because I assumed Maya was in there, since she's the only one that can get Lucas to skip. I opened the door and t-there she was..." The scene comes flooding back into my mind; the terror in her eyes, the look of desperation and shock. The blood on her hands and shirt and pants. "My baby girl... Oh there was so much blood and..."

"Do you know why she was in there?" She asked, as she was wrapping the bandage around her arm.

"N-no, Lucas probably would."

At that moment, Lucas walked in. "The.. the police, t-they're on their way." He walked over to where we were and kneeled beside Maya's legs. He grabbed her hand, placing light kisses.

"Lucas, why she was in the closet?" I asked him. I know he was distraught, but so was I. I needed to know what caused Maya to skip class and hurt herself the way she had.

He nodded, "Right before class, we were at Maya's locker getting her things for psychology when her phone went off. She looked down and there was a missed called from an unknown number. She said that she was gonna call it back and for me to go onto class. I didn't do that. I waited for her outside the janitors closet for her to make the call, and then I heard arguing, and then Maya was crying and -" He stops, biting his lip and closing his eyes, his fists clench and he hits the brick wall. "DAMMIT!" He bellows.

"Mr. Friar, it's okay. Go for a walk, I'm sure Maya will be fine."

That's when we heard the ambulance, and the loudspeaker announce, "There has been a medical emergency. Teachers and students, please remain in your classes until otherwise notified. Thank you."

The paramedics come barging in with a gurney. The move her from the bed onto the gurney before walking out. One of the paramedics turned to us and said, "If one of you would like to ride in the ambulance with her, come with me. We need to go now though so don't make the decision a long one or else we're leaving without you." And he took off.

"You go Mr. Matthews. You're her father. They're probably gonna let school out early so we'll be there soon." Lucas says, I know it must be a difficult decision to make,

I wanted to argue, but he's right. I'm her legal guardian. "Thank you, Lucas." And without another word, I ran out the door to catch up with the paramedic.

They were loading Maya into the ambulance when I reached them, "Um, excuse me!" I called out. One of the woman looked over at me and I continued, "I'm that girls legal guardian. I'd like to-"

"Get in." She ordered, and without another word, I climbed in as the woman shut the doors behind her.

I sat down next to Maya and grabbed her hand, placing kisses as the tears rolled down my face. Ignoring all the chaos around us, I said a silent prayer she'd make it out of this as we rode off to the hospital.

* * *

**Okay so I am so sorry. I'm gone for 2937483 years and the first chapter I release is absolute shit and so poorly written. I hope you guys enjoyed. I, personally, am not satisfied with it but. It doesn't matter what I think, it's what you guys think of it that matters.**


	17. Chapter 15

**_WARNING:_ May contain strong mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and/or actions, and mentions of sexual assault. Read at your own risk.**

Hello babes, back! The next few chapters are gonna be told in Maya's friends and family's point of views. Last chapter was Farkle at the school when they found her, this chapter will be Riley at the hospital waiting for the news of her best friend.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World or it's characters.**

* * *

The bell rang for 3rd period, Riley and I packed up our things and stepped out of the classroom and saw Mr. Matthews standing in the archway of the janitors closet.

He didn't appear to be aware of anything going on. He seemed frozen in time. "Mr. Matthews-" I called out, but then I heard Riley gasp. My gaze moved from Mr. Matthews to hsi daughter, who had tears in her eyes and hands covering her mouth. "Riley what is it?"

Mr. Matthews seemed to come back to earth, as he dropped to his knees and that's when I saw it. Saw _her. _Maya. She laid there on the janitors floor, blood oozing from her wrist, tears streaming down her face. My heart dropped and I felt like I was gonna be sick.

Mr. Matthews stood up with her in his arms and told everyone to move out of the way. We cleared a path for him and which Lucas stood in the middle. I saw the life leave his eyes as tears fill them instead. He runs up to Mr. Matthews, stroking Maya's face and reluctantly moving out of the way so the man holding our best friend could get her help, but Lucas followed.

As the 3 disappeared in the distance, we all stood there in silence, all trying to process what had just happened. I vaguely recall hearing the bell ring in the distance, but none of us dared to move.

Did that really just happen? Is Maya really bleeding out in the arms of our teacher? Is she gonna die? Will she be okay? What's going to happen to her?

I seemed to be moving on autopilot, because the next thing I know I'm in the janitors closet, standing over the pool of blood Maya left behind and the blade drenched in it. I crouched down, not knowing exactly what I'm doing, and pick up her blade and go to the bathroom and wash it off.

Why? I don't really know. I just... I feel like I have to hold onto it for her. Am I gonna give it back to her when she's okay - because she's going to live, she's Maya Penelope Hart, she's the strongest person I know - and out of the hospital? Of course not. She probably has more, but I can at least... I don't know. I just... I need to hold onto this for her.

I stare at the lifeless piece of metal and wonder, how could such a useless object bring such relief to a wonderful soul? How could someone as wonderful as Maya be so depressed to do this to herself? How long has she been doing this? How many cuts has this damned shard of metal given her? How many times has she teared into her skin and it have been my fault? How many times has she needed me but I wasn't there, so she searched for... comfort in this... thing instead? How does she hate herself so much she could do this to herself?

She's Maya Hart! She's the girl I've been in love with for as long as I can remember, she's the girl who would beat up anyone who dared to hurt her friends, she's the girl who has a calling in art, she's the girl who is always trying to make her friends feel like they deserve everything in the world, she's Maya Penelope Hart and she's the strongest girl I know. Her beauty makes everyone go breathless, her intelligence surprises us all even though she tries to hide it, and her wit is sharper than this blade. How could someone as amazing as Maya do this to herself?

I don't realize i'm crying until I see the tears drip on to the metal, obscuring my reflection. And the tears don't stop and I cry and cry and cry, waiting for someone to walk in, and no one ever does. And I wonder if this is how Maya felt all those nights she took that blade to her skin and tore it open. If she felt as lonely and hopeless as I do now.

* * *

I am woken up by Lucas. He tells me Mr. Matthews rode with Maya in the ambulance and should be there, and we were given an early dismissal. Mrs. Matthews is waiting outside in teh care to take us to the hospital, Riley is already in the car.

I nod numbly, not really feeling anything but a hurt and an ache where my heart is supposed to be. I move my gaze from the crack tile flooring under the sink to Lucas. His eyes are lifeless and red, his nose and cheeks are blotchy, and his knuckles are scratched and bruising. I wonder if he hit a wall, or a locker. It's gonna hurt later, I know that.

I stand up and we walk out of the bathroom and I ask him how he's doing.

"Ask me again when we know Maya is gonna be alive and okay."

I nod, and judging by his tone, he isn't really in the mood for small talk. He's hurting. Of course he is, he's been in love with Maya since he first saw her on the subway. Why would he be anything but hurting?

We make it outside, and right in front, there's Topanga Matthews holding her sobbing daughter, trying as she might to keep her composure strong and calm. But it's clear in the way her eyes are tearing up and the way she's biting her lip to keep from crying she's anything but.

Lucas and I climb in the back, and I realize I had totally forgotten about Riley. I reach up and grab her hand, and close my eyes in hopes of finding a clear mind. But it's racing a million miles per minute and it just won't stop. But having RIley's hand in mind makes it slow down, even if it's just a little bit.

* * *

We arrive at the hospital and jump out the car before Mrs. Matthews barely even parked the car. We have to get inside. We have to get see if Maya's okay. We exit out of the revolving doors into the main lobby and run towards the nursing assistant, asking the woman behind the desk to point us to the waiting room. She points to the left and tell us to follow the signs and that's exactly what we do.

We find Mr. Matthews sitting in a chair, face in his blood covered hands, praying to a god I'm starting to doubt even exists.

"Daddy!" Riley cries out, letting go of my hand, running in his direction with tears streaming down her face.

Mr. Matthew's head pops up and he stands to meet his little girl. Mrs. Matthews isn't far behind us, and he pulls her into the hug as well. Lucas and I just stand there.

"Where's Auggie?" He asks, pulling away from his family.

"Josh is babysitting him." His wife replies, wiping her tears away. "How's Maya?"

He lets out an exasperated sigh, "I don't know." He defeated as he sits back down in the chair. "I don't even know how long it's been since they took her into the ER. They haven't told me anything about her or her condition. She could be dead right now an-"

"She's not." Riley's voice falters. "She can't be, she's Maya. She's my best friend. She can't. Leave me. Here. I don't know how to do this life thing without her. She can't. She's not allowed." I hug her from behind and place my chin on her shoulder, wishing everything would be okay, wishing I could take her pain away.

We fall into a suffocating silence; all sitting down in the chairs provided, all waiting for the answers that's plaging all of our minds, _Is Maya Hart alive?_


	18. Chapter 16 (2 in 24 hours, go me!)

**_WARNING:_ May contain strong mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and/or actions, and mentions of sexual assault. Read at your own risk.**

Hello babes, back! Look at that, 2 in a 24 hour period!

The next few chapters are gonna be told in Maya's friends and family's point of views.  
Last chapter was Farkle at the school when they found her, this chapter will be Riley at the hospital waiting for the news of her best friend.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World or it's characters.**

* * *

Maya is hurt. Maya is very hurt. She could be bleeding out, or dead, and we don't know anything because no one will tell us anything. We've been here for two hours. Two freaking hours and the dumb doctors won't tell us a thing.

I'm exhausted, both mentally and physically, but I can't close my eyes. Not without seeing Maya on the janitors floor, covered in blood - her own blood. I can barely stand to look at my dad, because the blood stained in his clothes and on his hands are her's and it only makes me flashback to Maya on that floor. I rest my head on Farkle's shoulder anyway, his comfort a peace to my ever aching heart. But he's still not Maya and I'm not sure what I'll do if she doesn't make it.

I look over at Lucas, his posture stiff, eyes filled to the brink with tears that aren't falling. My heart hurts even more just looking at him. He's heartbroken but refusing to break, refusing to acknowledge he already broke. He broke as soon as he saw her bloodied body in the arms of my dad. You should have seen him. It was as if every ounce of light was drained from him, like someone took his heart and put in the shredder. I've never seen him look so utterly devastated. And I'm seriously concerned about what he'll do if she doesn't make it.

I look up at Farkle, his head not moving, his gaze not wondering. He's staring at the door. Waiting for someone, anyone, to come tell us Maya is alive and okay, that she'll be okay. With every nurse or doctor that walks out that door, I feel Farkle sit up in anticipation, only to sit back down when they don't even look at us, or say someone else's name. I can practically feel his heart cracking. He loves Maya, loves her like you would love a sister; like how I love Auggie and Lucas. She's family. To everyone in this room. And the longer we wait, the harder all our hearts hurt.

Someone exist the door, and Farkle sits up. The nurse calls out a name that isn't Maya's and he sits back down and I see his lip quiver, I place a kiss on his cheek and look over at my parents.

My dad keeps staring at his hands, my mom's trying to convince him to go home and change. He says he doesn't wanna leave and have the nurse come out and tell them she's alive or dead. He wants to be hear for that. He can't leave. He can't. He can't. My mom just nods, and rubs his back up and down.

I admire her strength, but even I know her mask is cracking. I can tell by the way her breathing is uneven, and the way her eyes fill with tears but she blinks them away, and the way she's biting her lip. She's hurting too, despite the shield she has up. I wonder how much longer she can hold on.

I look ahead to see my reflection in the glass. My mascara is smeared, my clothes are rustled, my nail polish is picked off, my cheeks and nose are blotched and I can't feel a thing. I feel like I'm gonna cry, but there are no tears that come. I wonder if I cried the total amount a human can cry in their lifetime already, or is my body just too drained to allow me to do anything but stare at everything with the same stoic expression wondering when I'll receive news on my best friend, my sister.

I hear my dad ask my mom if anyone has tried calling Katy, Maya's biological mother. My mom nodded, her voice was low, hoping we couldn't hear her, but it's the only thing that could keep my mind off of Maya so of course I heard, "She didn't care. She told me that Maya isn't her responsibility anymore, it's why she's signing the papers. She doesn't want her. What kind of mother doesn't want her own child, Cory? What kind of mother doesn't care that the living human being she carried around with her for nine months might die today? Oh, Cory..." And she broke. She started sobbing, saying she Maya deserves better than this. All Dad could do was hold her as she cried, tears of his own silently escaping.

It hurts. To see my parents like that. To see them crying, and upset. No child wants to see their parents cry.

"Maya Hart?" A male voice called out, everyone's heads snapped over to the man in the blue scrubs.

Lucas stood up so fast I was scared he might get whiplash, "T-hat's us, how is she?"

"She's... she's stable. She lost a lot of blood, and her blood type is rare. We almost didn't have enough. You're lucky she's alive." That weight that had been weighing down all of us like an anchor was lifted. I could physically feel myself lighten. "She's asleep now, if you would like to see her. She's in the fifth room on the right down the hallway on the left through those doors. But she won't be going home anytime soon. We're admitting her into the psych ward until we feel like she's no longer at risk of hurting herself. I assume you two are the parents?" He asked, looking over at my parents.

They nodded, my mom said, "H-her guardians as soon as her mother signs the papers. But yes, she is under our supervision."

"Bring her clothes tomorrow morning, along with clothes, toiletries, and anything that could make her feel more comfortable. We'll discuss this more tomorrow, when she's awake. You may go visit her now, a few at a time though." He looks at my parents again, "I'd like to speak with you before you go though."

They nod again, "Let's just talk now," Dad says. "The kids can go see her now while we discuss what needs to be discussed, then we can talk to her once we're done."

We all seemed to agree to that. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the fact Maya still can't go home. She hates hospitals. Can we visit her? Would she be able to have her phone so we can talk to her? How long will she be in there? What will happen once she's out?

I don't hear Lucas and Farkle talking, I see their lips moving, but that's all. Then Lucas is leaving through the doors and Farkle is staying behind with me. I want to ask why we're not going with him, but when my voice gets caught in my throat, I know why.

"Farkle..." Is all I can get out. I can feel my eyes start to flood, and I'm scared.

"I know," He mutters as he pulls me to his side and holds me close. "I know, princess." He kisses my head as I sob into his chest. All I can think about is what's gonna happen next, and I'm not liking what I'm thinking of. I'm scared, terrified. And I don't want anything to change.


	19. Chapter 17

**_WARNING:_ May contain strong mentions of self-harm, suicidal thoughts and/or actions, and mentions of sexual assault. Read at your own risk.**

Hello babes, back! Look at that, 2 in a 24 hour period!

The next few chapters are gonna be told in Maya's friends and family's point of views.  
Chapter before last was Farkle at the school when they found her, previous chapter was Riley at the hospital waiting for the news of her best friend, so _this _chapter will be Lucas going to see her.

Don't be afraid to leave a review. Actually please do, it makes me feel a lot more confident in posting and writing these chapters.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Girl Meets World or it's characters.**

* * *

As I left Riley and Farkle in the waiting room, I entered through the big wooden doors and took the turns to get to her room.

Ever since I saw her in Mr. Matthews arms, I haven't been able to think straight. My world has felt off balance and my heart feels like it's being crushed with each breath and I knew, I just knew if she didn't make it out alive I wouldn't either. She's my anchor, and I need her and I know if I lost her I'd be a disaster.

I stood turned into her room but stopped right in the middle of the doorway.

She looked so pale lying there, like the life had been drained from her. Her hands and face were covered with dry blood, and I feel rage building. _Did they really not bother to clean her off? _Kind of shitty of them, but all things considering, their biggest concern was saving Maya's life. Not her hygiene.

I sit down beside her, brushing a blonde strand out of her face and placing a kiss to her forehead. She looks so at peace, so calm, so happy, but that's when I see her wrists. They were wrapped in bandages, with blood soaked through and I notice all of her scars; the heartache behind each one, the battles she lost, all the times she needed someone and how many times I wasn't there.

Tears build up in my eyes and I squeeze them shut, bringing her hand to my lips and placing delicate kisses. "Oh Maya..." I breathe out, resting my forehead against her hand as the tears trickle down may face onto the blanket.

All I've been able to think about the last few hours is how I could never have noticed in the first place. I've been where she is now. I used to take a lighter and hold it against my arm until it bubbled and blistered and scarred. I used to wonder what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up and pray to whatever deity out there I wouldn't wake up. I was never suicidal, but I knew if a car was coming towards me I wouldn't move out of the way. I stopped looking both ways when I crossed the street, and I stopped wearing a seat belt. I fought all the time because I was angry I wasn't man enough to take my own life. I would take it out on the people around me, but when that wasn't enough I would burn myself.

But then I came to New York, and I met these wonderful people, and I know they don't know it but they saved my life. My life changed for the better and a big part of that is Maya. And the fact I hadn't- no, I did. I did notice. But when her sleeves would roll down and I would notice the scratches and scars, my throat would close up and I wouldn't be able to say anything. I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want it to be true. Maybe if I had said something, I could have stopped this from getting so bad. I could have prevented this.

I sighed, opening up my eyes and bringing them to Maya's beautiful face. _God, I love this girl, _I thought to myself. I don't even really acknowledge it. It's a simple fact. I'm sure if anyone saw the way I was with her they would know I'm absolutely and irrevocably in love with her. I have been since the first day I met her. She's was different, she was brilliant, she was fire. She was Maya. I wouldn't deny it - I couldn't deny it if you asked me. But I can't tell her. Not yet, at least.

"I'm proud of you. I am so, so, so proud of you and I'm not... I just wanted to tell you in case no one else has." So I say that instead. It's not '_I love you_', but it's close enough. "And, I... god, Maya. "Can I tell you how happy I am to have you here, that I was able to have me you and I am now able to call you mine? Me, you, Riley, Farkle, and Zay. All of us, we're a family. And the world, my world, their world; would not work the same without you. If I lost you... if _we _lost you, I don't know what we would have done. I need you, Pancake. I do, every minute, every breath I breathe, I need you. And I promise I will be here for you always, I will be here to hold you and listen, even to the silence you don't want to break. I know you're hurting but I am so happy you're here. You need to wake up though, I know you're not in a coma but I need to see your bright, beautiful blue eyes. I need to see you to call me nick names, and call me on my shit because, god, I need you. I need you so much more than you know." I clench my eyes again and bring her hand to my forehead, "And, I know you're in pain. I _know_. I've felt that pain. So when I say it gets better, I know from experience."

I hesitate, deciding if I want to put this out in the open. But as I'm looking at her scarred arms, and the blood soaked bandages, I know I have to.

"I... I used to burn. My skin. And, it... it gave me only a temporary release and every time I would grab that dammed lighter, it wasn't just my skin I was burning, but my soul as well. It... I would always do it after I got into a fight. Because that's when I saw who I truly was, I saw my soul, and I saw my father in myself and that was the _one _thing I never wanted to become. So I would burn him. I would burn myself in hopes of turning what I hated into ash and removing him completely. I saw my soul and dehumanized him, in an vain attempt to burn whatever was left of it to ash. I dehumanized him, he didn't matter, he was of no importance, and I almost killed him."

My face was stone, and when I looked at Maya, she had not moved and I hoped she was hearing all of this. "On the outside, he seemed fine; happy, content, handsome even. But that was not the case, he was a liar because he was never really okay. He was dying. And as the skin blistered and burn, his soul slowly boiled away with it. But it didn't leave completely. Because then I switched schools. And I met you, and Riley, and Farkle. And my soul did not die, you guys did not let it. Life got better, and I promise I won't let your soul drip away like the blood that falls to the floor when you cut for that release that never really leaves."

I stand up, dropping her hand, I bend down and whisper in her ear. "You're the strongest person I know, Shortstack. You can live this life, I know you can." I kiss a gentle kiss on her forehead and leave the room.

I'm not going home, not anytime soon. Not until she's awake and I can make sure she hears all of that.

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**REVIEWS PLS AND I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOYED! :D**


	20. IDK YET THO

**Okay, I might cancel this story. I feel like nobody's seriously interested in it anymore and why write something nobody cares about? **

**I'm not saying if it is for sure yet.  
But I am thinking about discontinuing it.**

**Until next time, loves.  
Stay safe!**


	21. AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hey guys! I'm back! I was intending to come back, but then my computer broke and I didn't get a new one until recently. Not to mention I was in the hospital for a little while there, but I'm all good now! Well, as good as I can be.

So it's been a few years, but I'm gonna bring the story back. However I'm gonna rewrite the first couple chapters - fix grammar mistakes and sentence structure and just make it all around better.

So if you're still interested, let me know so I have the motivation


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